


Jamais Vu

by wakemeup



Category: X Factor (US) RPF
Genre: AU, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-25
Updated: 2013-09-24
Packaged: 2017-12-24 15:56:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/941809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wakemeup/pseuds/wakemeup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't the first time, but she swears it feels like it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jamais Vu

Often described as the opposite of déjà vu, jamais vu involves a sense of eeriness and the observer's impression of seeing the situation for the first time, despite rationally knowing that he or she has been in the situation before. **  
**  


 

**Chapter 1**

_Love’s an old fable. One painted with broad strokes and a light hand. Love is a wise man’s fault and a blind man’s sight. Undefinable, unreliable, and ultimately unreachable. Yet, we strive for it like a fly to the light, we yearn for it so much that we hand our hearts over on a platter. We become so eager that our souls become enamoured with the thought and the theory of love._

_We blindly reach for the the unknown. We follow the old fable, the lovesick musicians, the eloquent authors, the smooth poetry and the artwork. Generations upon generations follow the lead and create their own stories. We relive Romeo and Juliet, a tragedy that is seen as the ultimate sacrifice. We attempt to understand the emotions and to describe the raw and pureness of our hearts. We try to describe the connection and the unity of two souls. We try to compare and qualify what being “in love” means. We do what we know we can not achieve; but why?_

_Love is the only unknown humans do not fear. I do not fear love, I fear the outcome of love. I want to feel love and have it engulf me, but why when the loss of it is so painful?_

 

Lauren’s been reading this for awhile now, she scans over the thoughts of a girl she’s never met, but has never had the courage to go and find. It’s a world she was never intentionally invited into, but one she stumbled upon headfirst.

 

She skims over the words again, curious as to how on Earth a girl of only seventeen could gather up these words, place them together in this pattern, and evoke too many emotions out of her. She wonders if it’s truly something a writer writes or if this girl is feeling more than she wants to feel.

 

It’s important for her to remember that this is a girls blog, one that’s personal, but public. Lauren sighs before taking her glasses off to rub her eyes. She spends way too much time online, too much time on Tumblr, but it’s whatever, right? What else is a high schooler supposed to do.

 

In reality, she needs to be working on her college essays. November is fast approaching and she’s not nearly as ready as she’d like to be. Miami is fun and all, but she’s wanted to go to New York for school for as long as she can remember. It’s a change of pace, but mostly it’s the best place she can think of to reinvent herself, to become someone independent of what she is here and find out if she’s truly ready for it all.

 

The brown haired girl places her glasses back on, going to open up her common app and looking at the applications she needs to fill out for New York University and Fordham and a few other minor schools. She glances over the applications for Columbia and Barnard, the two most prominent ones she’s worried about. Barnard College is an all girl’s school that’s prominent throughout the United States, it’s affiliated closely with Columbia and is one of the Seven Sisters.

 

Really, it’s a huge fucking dream. One Lauren hopes will come true. She sighs as she re-reads her essay for the college, but remains unsatisfied when she finishes it.

 

She changes tabs once again, skimming over the blog she had found three weeks ago on Tumblr. The URL itself was peculiar;  waakeme-up. She recognizes the lyrics from an Ed Sheeran song.

 

Since she stumbled on it, she doesn’t even remember how she found it, she’s been skimming through the archives and finding pieces of writing tucked between the photos and quotes that are reblogged. She hasn’t had the courage to message the owner of the tumblr, mostly for fear of---Lauren can’t think of a reason, but she assures herself it’s a good one.

 

The description on the page is short; ‘Camila, 16, Boston.’ She thinks for a few seconds that if she could be in Boston to just find this girl and praise her for the words she’s drawn out, she would. But, alas, that’s crazy. She’s crazy. Lauren Michelle Jauregui is crazy.

 

Cue the part of this where Lauren slams her head right into her laptop keyboard and screws things up. Not really, she’s too smart for that. She’s going insane now because this inner dialogue thing sucks.

 

She gets up from her desk and lies flat on her back on the bed.

 

School again in the morning. She finished all the homework. Her eyes slide shut in hopes of finding some courage to message the girl tomorrow.

 

Maybe.

 

\----------------

 

“You could actually look happy to be at school, y’know?” Alexa pokes Lauren with her fork.

 

“Well, you could look happy to see me at least.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“What’s wrong?” The other girl looks Lauren in the eye.

 

“I just want my apps to be done for Early Decision time.”

 

“Trust me, me too.”

 

“Where are you applying?” Lauren asks her best friend.

 

“Probably Miami U and a few others around here. Are you still hell bent on leaving Florida?”

 

“It’ll kill my parents, but yeah, most likely.”

 

“Why do you want it so badly again?” Lauren goes back to nibbling on her chips, adjusting her pleated school uniform at the same time.

 

“It’ll be different.”

 

“You’ve never even been to New York before.”

 

“I actually---” Lauren hesitates, not realizing what she was about to reveal.

 

“What?” Alexa furrows her eyebrows at the green-eyed girl. Normani seats herself beside the girls, going unnoticed she watches as the scene unfolds quietly.

 

Lauren wants to just smack herself. She really just wants to smack herself like really hard and hopes that Alexa forgets or the bell rings---the clock reads twelve fifteen---not nearly close enough to the time she needs it to be.

 

“You actually what?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Laur?” Alexa pushes and that’s what Lauren absolutely hates about people, when they push.

 

“It’s nothing, forget about it.” Alexa does, because really she doesn’t want to create a scene or fight with Lauren this early on in the year. She turns, finally recognizing Normani there and begins to speak with her about their upcoming exams.

 

The rest of the day goes by relatively fine. She laughs with her friends and Lauren feels bad about not feeling perfectly happy with her life because she has every reason to be, but she doesn’t. She _isn’t._

 

She’s walking out to the parking lot to throw her books in the trunk before she heads home for the day to do exactly what she did yesterday, but stops when she hears her name being called.

 

“Laur!” She turns around to face Alexa.

 

“Hmm?” She says back, swinging her keys round on her index finger. Bad habit.

 

“I’m sorry about lunch.”

 

“Don’t be, I got all defensive.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it at all?”

 

“No.” She shakes her head, offering Alexa a smile before she gets into her jeep.

 

\--------------------

 

It’s the weekend now, October closing in soon enough, Lauren really wants time to just give her some more time because it’s impossibly fast and she can’t keep up and basically college apps are ruining her life.

 

She runs her fingers through her hair again, probably the hundredth time today if she’s honest.

 

“Lauren do you want anything from Sams Club?” Chris Jauregui pops his head into his sisters room.

 

“No, but tell Taylor not to buy that weird juice again.”

 

“Will do.” He spins on his heels, forgetting to close the door again, she wants to yell, really really loud, but she doesn’t because she can’t say she has the energy.

 

“I saw your parents leaving the house with Chris and Taylor?” Lauren swivels in her chair to face the intruder.

 

“Mani, holy shit, don’t do that.” This is why she detests open doors.

 

“Sorry, they let me in.” The darker girl is genuinely apologetic and she goes to sit on Lauren’s bed.

 

“What’re you doing here?”

 

“Just thought I’d drop by.”

 

“Well, I’m not great company, I was just working on my college stuff.”

 

“That’s actually why I came, I don’t want to do it, but I was wondering if you could read one of mine?"

 

Lauren shrugs as if to say yes; truth be told she needed a break from staring at her own work for so long.

 

"Okay, but can you read one of mine too?" Normani nods and unpacks her computer. She logs in to her common app and hands it over to Lauren to look at. Lauren moves from the desk she's at so Normani can get to her computer.

 

Normani settles in and begins reading the essay, it's similar to the prompt she wrote, but her friend's answer is the same.

 

She finished, spinning around to tell Lauren what she thinks, but sees that the girl is still reading. So instead she busies herself with opening a new tab, intent on going to college boards website, but notices a tab already open. Curios she looks at it recognizing it as a blog on tumblr and glances over the words there.

 

"Hey, so there's a few gramma---" Lauren looks up at Normani only to see that the other girls has been staring at Camila's blog. (She recognizes that she says it as though she's familiar with the owner.)

 

"Is this yours?"

 

"No."

 

"Oh." Lauren plays it off hoping Normani backs down.

 

"It's pretty great writing."

 

"It is."

 

"So you have a few grammatical errors but other than that it's pretty great."

 

"Thanks. I can't really give you much for yours. I can tell you've been over it again and again." Lauren nods in thanks. Normani shitfs over to lay next to her best friend.

 

"So, NYU?" Lauren inquires, having recognized the prompt Normani was writing as one she had previously filled as well.

 

"Mhm."

 

"The big apple."

 

"Yeah. I suppose you're applying as well?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"We could end up there together." Lauren turns her head to look at Normani is response. She smiles. She loves this girl a lot, mostly because she places value in those she can trust and in those who are loyal. She returns what she can tenfold.

 

"We could."

 

"Are you nervous?" Lauren ponders the question.

 

"Yes and no?" Normani gives her a curious look and she continues; "I guess I know I'll have to get into some of the places, it's the financial aid I need to convince my parents to allow me to go.

 

"I wish I was as confident about getting in."

 

"You should be. We've been in the same classes. You get decent grades, but your work outside of school will help." Lauren sets her friend straight because confidence will be the only saving grace in this process.

 

"Yeah. Hey so, what happened at lunch the other day?" Suddenly Lauren wants to be miles away and not in this situation because Normani always gets what she wants and if she wants this answer she'll get it in some manor.

 

"Why are you asking now?"

 

"Because it upset you and also because you've had a few days to calm down." Lauren sighs.

 

"Also because I'm curious."

 

"Curiosity killed the cat, sweetheart."

 

"Thankfully, I'm not a cat."

 

"You don't have nine lives either."

 

"But, my dad is a doctor." Lauren smiles at that.

 

"Do I have to tell you?"

 

"Yes."

 

"If I didn't want to tell Alexa what makes you think I'm gonna tell you."

 

"You like me more." Normani winks at the girl.

 

"I will not confirm that."

 

"No need."

 

"We're talking about my slip up, right?"

 

"Yeah." Lauren contemplates the harm in telling Normani. She doesn't see any. The girl tagging along if need be wouldn't be as damaging as if Alexa did. Normani wants to go to school there as well.

 

"I bought a flight ticket to New York for this winter."

 

"Oh?" Normani hadn't expected that.

 

"It was sort of a whim thing, but I figured applying early helps and I'll know before winter break or late January and if I do get in it would be about the perfect time to go and visit. I've never been, but I guess that'll help."

 

Normani nods as if understanding perfectly.

 

In a way, Lauren supposes she does to a certain degree.

 

"Winter break here I'm going. You should come." See, she hadn't expected to invite Normani, but it seemed fitting now.

 

"Do your parents know?"

 

"Not yet."

 

"Well, wait till I buy my tickets and we can say it's a bestie trip." Normani smiles at the girl. "You should've just told me from the start."

 

"I know. I'm sorry Mani-bear."

 

"Ew." The brown-eyed girl crinkles her nose at Lauren.

 

\---------------------

 

Another night. Another week has flown by. Lauren sits at her computer again. Checking the girls blog, specifically her 'personal' tag.

 

She sees a new post; the 'read more' stark against the white background. She clicks it preparing herself, for what she has no idea.

 

It's a short post. Just an update on the girls life. She's got a few colleges written down, some prominent in the north and Lauren skims down the list to see Columbia written on there as well. She smiles.

 

She hasn't even known the girl was college bound, but she feels as though she had no right to considering the situation.

 

She goes back to her dashboard and skims down to queue and reblog some things. She writes a simple text post; 'I wish colleges would pick me instead of having to go through and apply to a million.' It sums up her Senior year so far.

 

This is where she loses her balls. It's tumblr and the anonymity should make her feel safer, but it doesn't.

 

It's a good ten minutes of listening to her music okay on shuffle per usual before she just thinks fuck it. The URL is there automatically as soon as she typed in the 'wa' and she goes to the girl's ask.

 

She types a few messages before she deletes them again, intent on not sounding like an idiot. The green eyed girl lets out a frustrated sigh and decides to go with; _'Hi! I love your writing. It's great that you're applying to those schools. Would it be crazy to tell you I'm applying to some of those too?'_ So this is when it gets difficult.

 

Should she ask anonymously? Should she be herself?

 

She hits send. Not bothering to hit anonymous because she doesn't want to be that person.

 

She doesn't realize she's been sitting at her computer refreshing the page until American by Lana Del Ray starts playing. It was the first song on the playlist and that means she's been here for a good hour.

 

Tumblr makes her want to continue to waste her life away. She sighs. Picking up her phone to text Normani.

 

"Lauren come out of your room so we can eat dinner!" Her father yells. She yells back a confirmation and trudges downstairs.

 

"She comes out from her cave." Taylor says as her older sister sits down. The icy glare doesn't phase her anymore either.

 

"Leave your sister alone. College apps are keeping her there I assume." Her mom defends her deftly.

 

"Or tumblr." Lauren steps on Chris's foot. What she thinks is Chris's foot

 

"Lauren!" Her dad yelps out.

 

"Sorry." Her face flushes. They otay quickly and she digs into dinner, mind elsewhere.

 

"Where are you applying?" Taylor asks curiously.

 

"Uhm." Her parents know she's not intent on anywhere in Florida, despite taking her to many many colleges and universities in the area, but they've got no idea she's actually serious about it.

 

"Miami U?" Her dad suggests.

 

"Actually, more like NYU, Columbia, Fordham, St.Johns." She finally offers.

 

"Nothing here?"

 

"Nope."

 

"When are you applying?"

 

"Early action for most and then Early Decision at Columbia." Her dad nods. She's lucky because her parents have never fought her on these things, they want the best for her. She wants to make them proud. She also probably should mention that she's bought herself a trip to NY with the money she's earned from the past summer.

 

Her phone buzzes in her pocket. She doesn't check it for fear of her mom going off on the whole "NO PHONES AT THE TABLE!" rant. That's not needed.

 

"So; what're we doing for winter break?" She inquires.

 

"Probably sticking around here. Take the boat out if you want." Her dad inserts.

 

"Well..." She trails off, taking a bite of her food.

 

"Normani and I may have bought tickets to New York?" She says it lightly. She can hear Chris laughing.

 

"Oh my Gosh, pops, you're not gonna let her go are you?" She wants to kick Chris again.

 

"Well, she and I will talk about this with Normani's parents first."

 

“What?!”

 

“Chris, your sister is eighteen.”

 

“In any case, she’s been places on her own before.”

 

"We can talk about this later, Michael." Lauren thanks her mom for that and continues to eat. Jetting it to her room as soon as she places her dishes in the sink.

 

She jumps onto her bed, grabbing her pink pig pillow pet and wrapping her arms around it.

 

Her phone slides out of her sweatpants pocket easily and she checks her messages to see that Normani had asked her parents last night and confirmed that she's in. She replies back to say her parents are thinking it over.

 

She goes on tumblr now and sees that she's got a new one. Should she open it here or on her phone? Is she even sure it's Camila?

 

She does it on her phone, too comfortable to remove herself from her bed.

 

She really wants to slap herself because it's not Camila. It's an anon asking her about college choices etc. She replies promptly and throws her phone on the bed. Maybe Camila’s much busier than she is. Maybe the girl actually has a life?

 

Her phone dings again and she checks her email, hoping it’s her academic advisor from school so she can move along with the process of recommendations. Instead, it’s tumblr.

 

Waakeme-up asked a question. She nervously opens up the email and smiles. _‘Sorry! I deleted your message on accident, but I luckily had the email. It’s funny. I guess we have similar tastes in schools? Thanks for the compliment, but this is just a journal of sorts. (:’_  

 

She lays in bed, rereading the message over and over again trying to come up with something to say.

  
\----------------


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 

_‘Sorry! I deleted your message on accident, but I luckily had the email. It’s funny. I guess we have similar tastes in schools? Thanks for the compliment, but this is just a journal of sorts. (:’_

 

In all seriousness, it should not take Lauren approximately two hours to decide what to say, but it does. It does because it’s tumblr and sure it’s easier to get along with people on here, but she knows she has a little bit of a crush on this girl, this girl she’s never seen, but technically stalks.

 

And really? Lauren should not be tailoring her blog to make sure anything and everything she reblogs isn’t too weird. She wants to do that thing again, that thing where she slams her head into the keyboard.

 

Instead she responds to the girl with; _‘What’s your top choice? I really hope I get into Columbia, it’s great. I’ve never even been to New York! My name’s Lauren by the way, I probably should’ve mentioned that earlier.’_ It’s more like a large ramble, but it’s something.

 

She hits ‘ask’ and checks her clock, ten forty seven. She’s not even tired. Tumblr it is.

 

She grabs her Mac and turns on a random spotify station, hoping it'll fill the silence. It's easy enough that way.

 

She sees that Camila has reblogged a few things a few minutes ago, reblogging them on instinct as she scrolls down more.

 

It's not till she goes back up her dash does she realize that she's for something in her inbox. Smiling, the Miami native clicks the little envelope _. 'I'm Camila! If I'm being completely honest, I creeped your blog before replying so I sort of knew that already. You're also beautiful.'_ The smile that covers her face now is too large and she thinks it should hurt to smile this big.

 

Before she can hit reply she gets another '1' and refreshes her inbox. _'I'm the idiot who forgot to answer your question. My too choice is Columbia or Brown. It's a pipe dream, but it's something! Visit New York ASAP, beautiful city, beautiful people.'_ See now, she's sure her smile is hurting her.

 

It's the excitement, she'll blame it later. She replies instantly to the second message; _'I've obviously creeped yours, but I've never seen a picture! I bet you're beautiful too. Maybe we'll both get into Columbia! One can dream, anyways. I actually hopefully will be during Late December!'_ She hits send before she can second guess it.

 

It's stupid that she's this excited about messaging a girl she's been stalking for weeks. Well, sort of stalking. She'd like to call it admiring.

 

She realizes she said she hadn't seen a picture and now she hopes she wasn't incredibly too forward. That would be bad. What if Camila doesn't reply? What if she thinks Lauren is weird now? Ugh, fuck.

 

She contemplates telling Normani just so she can vent and not feel like a huge loser, but doesn't. Instead she plays solitaire. She refreshed the page another billion times, until finally she's for a message in her inbox. She chews on her bottom lip before opening up her inbox; _'Late December?! That's great! I may be there for New Years this year! Sorry that's a lot of exclamation points. Whoops. If you want a picture you're going to have to work harder than that (: tell me something about yourself?'_

 

Dead. Lauren swears she's dead.

 

\-----------------

 

"Oi! Get off your computer so we can go!" Harry wants to smack Camila most days.

 

"What? Where are we going?"

 

"On an ice cream run."

 

"Oh. Can't you just get me something?"

 

"The point of living with one another is that we get to do everything together!"

 

"You are a grown man. You can function on your own."

 

"Mila! What is so important that you can't go down the street with your favorite person in the world for ice cream?" Camila sighs, running her fingers through her hair before she shuts her laptop and slips on a pair of crocs. Harry threatens to burn them on the daily.

 

"You should really be less dependent. I'll be leaving soon."

 

"Why leave the beauty of Boston at all?"

 

"I need to get away and just go out and live. It's been a crazy year, don't you think?" She replies. He continues to walk beside her. It's nearly November and the winters in Boston are a usual gamble, but this one is brutal. She tucks her hands into the coat pocket and moves a bit faster.

 

"Do you regret any of it?"

 

"I don't know." She thinks back to it. Thinks back to all of the things she's been through. Thinks about her life and the court rulings. She thinks about Sofia and Demi. She thinks about her subsequent transfer from school. It's overwhelming.

 

"You shouldn't. I'm proud of who you are because of it."

 

"You're obligated to say that."

 

"Not really. You're the one bumming off of me."

 

"Hey!" She rips her hand out of her pocket to slap him, immediately regretting it when she feels the cold cling to her fingertips.

 

He flinches laughing at her before they enter the snackshop. Harry always has these odd cravings for ice cream at the worst of times and she swears he'd be pregnant if it weren't for the whole penis thing.

 

She waits at the counter as he goes to grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's. When he comes back to pay they leave swiftly. She practically jogs back to the apartment complex and it's not a good idea because she's such a klutz.

 

"Do you want some?" He offers politely when they return into the warmth of their apartment.

 

"No. You're the only idiot who needs ice cream in the winter."

 

"Ay! Not true at all!" He yells from the kitchen. The apartment is painted a hue of colors, tiny, well cozy, and it's two small bedrooms, but moving in here during the summer was a saving grace for Camila and she's come to love it.

 

"It's a shame. You come in and you go straight back to your laptop like it's a baby you missed."

 

"It is my baby!" Camila replies back with a smirk on her face.

 

"Thankfully. Otherwise we all know you'd be all over me."

 

"So many things wrong with that, buddy."

 

"Ouch, you called me buddy."

 

"Harry, stop being so sensitive." She throws a random object at him only to receive a laugh in return. He settled down on the couch beside her and flips the television on.

 

"Oh my god, get off of tumblr."

 

"No." She turns so that the back of the laptop is towards him so he can't see what she's doing.

 

"Stop flirting with people."

 

"No." She says once again.

 

"Sofi texted me earlier. Asked that we come around." Harry says a few minutes later. He looks over to see his roommate grinning like an idiot.

 

Camila can't hide it and she wants to, but this girl, Lauren, she's almost bashful and it's terribly cute. _'That's amazing! Maybe we'll run into one another? Tell you something? Well, I'm terribly shy for some reason and I've been creeping your blog for some time. Never picked up the courage to say anything till the other day; your turn!'_

 

"MILA!" She looks up, smile still on her face.

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Why're you grinning like a Buffoon and did you hear what I said?"

 

"What'd you say?"

 

"Sofi asked if we'd come round for dinner."

 

"When?"

 

"This Friday."

 

"Tell them alright." She nods off distractedly. Thinking of a reply. She begins to type, _'I'm glad you found the courage, then! You're making me smile.'_

 

It's short and to the point. She's never really flirted like this and she can't say if it's the fact that Tumblr's doing it or what.

 

Nonetheless, it occurred to her that it's late and school is tomorrow. She opens a text post; 'It's been quite a few days, but even then it feels better than anything has this past year. School again in the morning. Maybe I can get through the day by actually concentrating?' She tucks it under a 'read more' and closes tumblr.

 

\-------------------

 

"Camila!"

 

"What is with people yelling my name?"

 

"You'd think you'd actually pay attention so that people wouldn't have to."

 

"You're hardly the type of person to do that for anyone either." Camila says to her friend. Ariana laughs at the girl before tugging her to home room.

 

"Why don't you get off the phone, ever?"

 

"Why is your hair red?"

 

"Shut up." The shorter girl huffs before sitting in her usual seat.

 

"There's a party this Friday at Jake's house. Are you in?"

 

"I can't. Thing with Harry."

 

"There's always a thing with Harry!" The girl whines. Camila laughs before she replies with, "that's cause we live together."

 

"Are you guys together? I've never asked. Seems sorta young, but it's pretty cool." Camila laughs harder this time, shaking her head no.

 

"He's like a brother. We grew up pretty close." Ariana seems satisfied with that answer and directs her attention to the teacher at the front. Camila met her the first day of school and considers her a good friend. Mostly, it's someone she talks to. She misses De-. No she can't let her mind drift there.

 

She cruises through the day, texting underneath her desk and whatnot. Mostly she tumbls a ton of things. She also realizes that Lauren hasn't messaged her back, but she's met a few people on tumblr she messages. Those are the people who seem better than the people she meets around here.

 

By the time the day ends she's walking away from the school intent on making it to the Bay Area with her laptop. She texts Harry so he doesn't worry and puts her headphones in.

 

Her parents say she’s insane for loving Boston’s winters, but there’s something about the way the snow falls and how comforting things like sweaters and hot chocolate provide. She wonders if it’s merely the associations she’s made with them that make it comforting.

 

As she approaches her favorite little coffee shop she tugs out her wallet. She quickly orders her usual cinnamon latte and head to a cosy little single couch. Tucking her legs under herself she pulls out her laptop and immediately opens her email and then Tumblr. She’s maybe a bit of an addict.

 

She checks her inbox next, because she’s anxious for a reply, however silly that is she doesn’t care. She’s come to realize that it’s the little things, plus, it does help that Lauren’s incredibly cute.

 

 _‘I’m glad you’re smiling, I bet it’s beautiful.’_ Camila blushes, she won’t admit it and if someone were to ask she’d say it was from her skin warming from the cold air outside, but she’s blushing and smiling nonetheless.

 

She wonders if it’s too forward to say something like, ‘you are’ back or rather something bashful. She has no idea because this is odd. It’s really odd because those pictures tell her this girl is beautiful and her blog shows the things she’s interested in and maybe, just maybe, Camila really likes her. She’ll settle for the flirtation and a friendship now because it’s got to be stupid to try something with a girl on tumblr.

 

\-------------------

 

The weeks fly by easily and Lauren has nearly pulled her hair out from frustration. She’s spent the past week between Normani and Alexa’s houses, avoiding the loud noise from her brother and sister, hoping to get a moment of piece.

 

It’s the last week of October and the deadline for Columbia is actually November first. She wants to jump off a bridge at the thought of that being only four days away.

 

The only thing that’s really been keeping her sane is Normani. Camila isn’t helping one bit. If anything, she’s making Lauren want to commit.

 

That girl is a flirt and it’s been a month now since they’ve met, well since they’ve begun speaking and she swears she’s got a crush on the girl. It’s stupid, once again, she tells herself it’s incredibly stupid because she should worry about her senior year and the winter formal and prom and apps and financial aid, but she’s not.

 

She’s thinking about a girl she’s never seen in her life.

 

Normani would straight up laugh at her because it’s pathetic.

 

Her life isn’t interesting. Not in the slightest. She’s never felt heartbreak cut her deep or the loss of a family member or anyone she’s close to. She’s never had problems of any sort, except the occasional self esteem, she’s completely normal.

 

Really, she knows she’s been blessed. She’s observant by nature and attentive to those she cares about. She’s a hard worker, she’s smart, she’s pretty, she’s athletic. Lauren remembers the first time her mom told her to make sure she remains humble, keeping her family first and a good head on her shoulders. She’s lived by that because that’s precisely what her grandmother had told her mom and that’s something like a family motto.

 

The only thing she’s ever struggled with was whether or not she is a lesbian.

 

She was sure of it when she had her first boyfriend and his kisses were nice, but never too much. She never felt anything other than an admiration towards him and they ended it amicably. Since then Lauren Jauregui has not dated.

 

Normani knows, her family knows, that’s as far as it goes. She’s open on tumblr and the thing about that is that it’s comfortable. It’s exactly the place that she needed. It’s safe and reliable and she knows she’s accepted there.

 

She’s seen what has happened to kids who are out around here and maybe that’s why she wants to go to New York so bad, maybe she thinks it’s a lot safer there. Reinventing herself can begin there.

 

Her thoughts round back to Camila. She’s ninety nine percent sure that the other girl is at least bisexual if not lesbian, mostly she’s sure because the flirting but then there’s that unspoken rule on tumblr. Gay until proven straight. She wishes the world was like that.

 

She’s thought of asking, but the flow of conversation has been sporadic. Some nights they’d trade ten or fifteen messages packed with information and some nights it would be zero to one. She knows it’s because they’re busy, busy with applications and school and being seniors.

 

But, she really wants to talk to Camila. Like, talk talk.

 

So she asked Camila to skype with her, actually she found it really appropriate to ask Camila to skype with her on October 31st in the evening. Then she remembered there is something called Halloween and she face-palmed because the message had already been sent to Camila’s inbox.

 

She told herself it was whatever, but she was a bit anxious because she really really really wanted to talk to Camila and she really really really wanted a distraction that evening. Is it bad that she also thought that submitting their apps together would be cute.

 

Lauren waits patiently at her computer, not eager to go out today. Monday’s always have a habit of wearing her thin.

 

This, thankfully, is one of those nights where they’re talking a lot. So Camila’s response is within a few minutes, she nervously opens the message.

 

 _‘I would love to! My roommate Harry is going out for Halloween with some college kids or something and I’d rather stay in. My skype name is milalovespizza95; don’t judge me! I was young and stupid and hadn’t realized those things would haunt me, but they are. Let’s say around six? I’ve got an after school thing and this thing with this girl. Sorry that was vague. Six?’_ Lauren smiles, giddy at the thought of it all.

 

She replies back with, ‘Sounds perfect! I’m almost done with my app. Nervous is the understatement of the year.’ She also wonders what the thing is that Camila has to do with a girl. Maybe it’s a date? Lauren’s immediately regretful at thinking of it that way because the jealousy that bubbles up makes her want to puke.

 

Jealousy is not her thing. Especially for a girl she’s never met who’s never said she’s bi or gay and who’s she’s never actually spoken to or seen.

 

No.

 

She’s not going to be that girl.

 

\------------------

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys if you're reading this thanks.
> 
> I really really need people to tell me whether or not they like the story. I write a lot better when encouraged or motivated, I want to write this for you guys. 
> 
> It makes me wanna just bleh when there isn't anyone saying anything because then it's kind of like radio silence, y'know? 
> 
> Thanks, guys.
> 
> PS. Hi my name is Tiffani


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 

She’s totally that girl.

 

She’s totally the girl who spent the majority of the rest of that night thinking about whether or not Camila is lesbian or bisexual or likes boobs or manly chest hair. Ew.

She’s been occupied enough to try and not think about it, but she has and it’s something she’s not really fond of, but luckily today’s the she gets to skype with Camila and the excitement overwhelms her jealous thoughts.

 

Normani tried to get her to go out after school, wanted to even hang out because of Halloween, but Lauren avidly said no, despite the pouts and bribing. She used Columbia’s Early Decision application as an excuse, but really it was most of the truth...kind of.

 

Nonetheless, she got out of all social duties and is now driving home from the long day. Time always goes by slower when you want it to go by fast. (She hates time for that reason.) She really doesn’t want to deal with Chris and prays that he ends up going to one of the parties tonight or something.

 

Walking into the house she hears her mom in the kitchen and pops in. “Hola Mami!” Lauren calls saying hello. She spots Taylor at the kitchen island and waves. “Esta el diablo aqui?” Taylor snickers as Clara Jauregui glares at her daughter playfully. “He’s actually over at Sammie’s house.” Taylor replies for her mom, sparing Lauren othe lecture.

 

“Sweet!”

 

“What’re you guys up to?” She asks in english.

 

“Just about to make some Pan de Muerto with Taylor, want to help?” She thinks about it before nodding. She needs a good distraction anyways.

 

Lauren sets herself to the task at hand. Gathering the ingredients with her sister as her mom begins mixing the things. She used to do this every year with her mom before high school started, but things got busier. She’s happy she gets to do this though.

 

Taylor and her begin messing around as her mom wraps the dough up to sit for a little while. They watch a movie together as they wait for it to rise and by the time it’s done the thing is huge. She laughs as Taylor takes a picture and her mom begins to make the skull shapes. This used to be her favorite treat when she was a kid.

 

For the most part they celebrate Dia de los Muertos on Halloween instead of November first because it’s easier, but they do go to the cemetery the night of the first to visit people and place Sugar Skulls and little toys for those who have past. Her parents were adamant on keeping most traditions. She remembers her quincenera too well.

 

“Dios!” Her mom exclaims when Taylor. “Lo siento!” Lauren laughs and goes to pick up the dough.

 

“This needs to bake for forty minutes or so. Want to go watch tv? Your dad should be home soon.” The Jauregui sisters nod in unison and run to the couch to try and grab the remote first.

 

Lauren wins, but as she turns on the tv she glances at the clock. “Fuck!” She exclaims before hopping over the couch to run for her room. She hears her mom call out; “Cuida ese lenguaje jovencita!” She calls back a “Lo siento, mami!” as she opens her computer and rapidly signs on to skype.

 

She had added Camila the day she asked and immediately sees that the girl is on. She types out an apology, waiting for a response, but instead gets the skype call tone. She smiles before clicking the green phone to pick up.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Hi! I’m so so so sorry.” Camila laughs.

 

“What’s so funny?”

 

“You’ve got flour in your hair.”

 

“Shit.” Camila laughs more when the other girl gets up and goes to what she thinks is a mirror to whip her hair.

 

“Y’know, I was beginning to think I was being stood up, or that you were really a forty year old man who was finding a girl to message me.” The teasing is fun and Camila would feel bad if it wasn’t for the fact that Lauren blushes.

 

“I was baking!” Lauren didn’t even have time to take Camila in. It should be a shock. It really should be a shock how beautiful Camila is, but she finds that it isn’t. Not even a bit. Lauren expected it, but Camila is just. She’s got dark brown hair and this big brown eyes and the sweater she’s wearing hangs off her shoulder.

 

“Lauren?” Lauren zones back in and apologizes.

 

“Am I boring you already?” Lauren knows she’s teasing from the smile that’s worked it’s way onto the other girl’s face. Camila isn’t just beautiful. Lauren can’t find a word. She wonders if it’s skype that’s making her see things. Really, she can’t imagine what it’s like to see Camila for real because if she looks this great through a webcam she can only imagine.

 

“Lauren!” She snaps her eyes back to the other girl.

 

“Sorry!”

 

“I asked what you were baking and if I get to have any.” Lauren smiles.

 

“I made Pan de Muerto with my mom and sister.”

 

“What? Really? Oh my gosh, I’d kill for some.”

 

“You celebrate Dia de los Muertos?”

 

“Yeah! My parents immigrated here and---” Lauren notes that a sad expression covers her face. The girl continues anyways, “---and I used to celebrate with them. I’m seeing them tomorrow though, so I’m sure I can do it tomorrow.” The sadness goes away and is covered by a much happier look. Lauren likes when Camila smiles and when she rambles on like that.

 

“That’s awesome. I’d invite you over for some food tonight, but you’re a bit far.”

 

“Are you kidding? I’ll be right there.” Camila says playfully.

 

“Lauren Michelle!” Lauren’s eyes widen before she turns around to face her mom standing in the doorway.

 

“Yes?”

 

“First you curse and run off to your room and then you hole yourself up in here? Tu papá está esperando un saludo.”

 

“Hola, papa!” Lauren yells past her mom.

 

“Hola, mi hija!”

 

“Hola la madre de Lauren!” Lauren turns her head back around to smile at Camila, who’s obviously pleased with herself.

 

“Hola!” Clara says back. Noticing the blush on Lauren’s face and how she’s never seen this girl before. She exits Lauren’s room, not bothering to shut the door just to annoy her daughter.

 

“Sorry about that.”

 

“No! It’s alright. Your family is cute.”

 

“Hold on.” Lauren gets up from her bed, giving Camila a view of exactly what she’s wearing, some shorts and a crop top and hoodie. Lauren was attractive in her photos, but she’s even more attractive like this.

 

“I hate when they do that.”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Leave the door open.”

 

“Is that a peeve of yours?”

 

“Most definitely.”

 

“So.” Camila smiles at Lauren again.

 

“So.” Lauren mirrors her.

 

“Columbia.” Lauren literally grabs a pillow from the top of her bed and pushes it against her face.

 

“Nice pillow pet.”

 

“Oh shit.” Camila really likes making the girl blush.

 

“It’s cute.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“I bet you cuddle with it.” Camila teases.

 

“I do. I’m not ashamed.”

 

“Does it have a name?” Lauren shoves the pillow pet away.

 

“You’re stalling. Columbia. Have you submitted yet?”

 

“Noooooooo.” Camila replies, sighing.

 

“Me too. Want to together?” Lauren suggests, tugging at the sleeve of her hoodie.

 

“Sure.” Camila opens a tab and goes to her commonapp. Opening up the Columbia application she hovers her mouse above the submit button.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to double check?”

 

“I’ve like checked this thing a billion times. There’s no turning back now.” Camila replies.

 

“Okay, you count down?”

 

“Okay, three, two---” On one Camila clicks the submit button and hears Lauren sigh.

 

“Well, there goes our fates.” Lauren comments a few moments later.

 

“Don’t make it sound so serious.”

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just, y’know.” Lauren shrugs.

 

“I get it.” Camila reclines further back into the couch.

 

“Do you live with your parents?” Lauren asks.

 

“No, I moved out at the beginning of the summer.” The way Camila says it makes Lauren sure that she shouldn’t ask more, at least not right now. She directs the questions elsewhere.

 

“Okay, how was that thing with that girl that was vague?”

 

“It was...okay.” This time, Lauren pushes.

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yeah, there was---” Camila sighs before rubbing her eyes. Ariana had asked her out the previous week and they had settled for today and Ariana was funny. She was sweet. She was everything Camila liked and for now she was a good distraction, but she wonders if she should tell Lauren that.

 

“There was?”

 

“It was a date.”

 

“Oh?” Lauren tries not to act upset, even goes as far as raising an eyebrow and smiling, it’s not a real one, but it’s there.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“How was it?”

 

“It was alright. She’s cute.” Camila doesn’t know why, but she feels a pang of guilt as Lauren’s eyes are slightly down casted and her smile isn’t as wide as before. Green eyes. That’s special.

 

“That’s good. So you’re off the market then?” Lauren says it as a joke, but Camila smiles back.

 

“I’m still there, it was just a date, nothing serious.” The green eyed girl slouches in relief.

 

“That doesn’t make you uncomfortable right? Like me being gay?” Camila asks nervously.

 

“No! I’m actually as well...” Lauren trails off in a mumble.

 

“So what they say is true then?”

 

“What?” Lauren looks at her in confusion.

 

“Everyone on tumblr is gay till proven straight.” Lauren erupts in laughter and Camila joins her.

 

“Are you dating anyone?” Lauren shakes her head no in response.

 

“That’s a shame, anyone would be lucky too.” Camila pauses. “You’ll find someone.” She smiles like it’s nothing and Lauren can’t help the furrow of her eyebrows. She doesn’t know if ‘someone’ else is if she wants. It’s too early for that though, so she corrects her face and smiles.

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“So, why do you want to go to Columbia?” Lauren asks later.

 

“Mostly because it’s beautiful and a highly ranked school. I want to get away from here, as much as I love Boston, it carries a lot of memories and I’d prefer to make some new ones.”

 

They speak like that for a while and the earlier conversation is quickly tucked away by the two. Lauren doesn’t realize it’s late till her mom comes in saying it’s her turn to sit at the front door and hand out candy.

 

“I’ll talk to you later?” Camila speaks before Lauren can leave.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Actually, why don’t you text me? Life’s hectic and that’s probably a lot easier than tumblr.” Lauren smiles, wide as she types in Camila’s number on her phone.

 

“Okay, I gotta go before my mom comes back in and yells at me in spanish.”

 

“Have fun!” Lauren nods before clicking the red end call button.

 

\------------------

 

“What have you been doing all night, loser?”

 

“Laying here.”

 

“That’s it? You should’ve came to the party I was talking about!” Harry yells at her. He’s slightly intoxicated.

 

“Its’ really a shame that you waste your pretty face staring at a computer.”

 

“That was a compliment? Harry, you’re losing it.”

 

“On the contrary I’m getting it. I met this boy tonight. He is wonderful.”

 

“Oh?” Camila asks shutting her computer and standing up to stretch.

 

“Yes, oh! Oh! Wait! You had that thing with that cute little redheaded girl.” Harry stumbles over to the couch and lays down, almost flashing Camila in his toga.

 

“She is cute, yes. Her name is Ariana for the last time. It was alright.”

 

“Alright? Mate, she’s bloody beautiful.” Camila nods to him and walks over to the kitchen that’s adjacent to the living room. “She is.” Camila knows how to appreciate a girl, especially after Demi.

 

Demi.

 

Fuck.

 

“Are you guys exclusive, or can I get in on that?”

 

“Ew!” She exclaims.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re such a horny teenage boy.”

 

“Correction, I’m now almost twenty, older than you.”

 

“Anyways, we’re not exclusive. She sings really fucking well though. Says she’s looking to New York for Broadway. I think she’d be perfect there.”

 

“Oh really? Maybe I’ll sing with her sometime.”

 

“Go for it, buddy.” She taps his head like a dog as she walks by.

 

“I’m going to sleep. We can go to eat tomorrow to cure that massive hangover you’re going to have.”

 

“You’re the best!” He mumbles back excitedly.

 

Camila leaves a gatorade bottle beside him along with an advil. He’ll wake up midway through the night per usual and take it before stumbling to his room.

 

\------------------------

 

“Oh my god, never again.”

 

“You say that every time, Harry.” She laughs as she places her fork down. They’re at a diner down the street from their apartment, it’s tiny because it’s smack in the city, but it’s got the best waffles and Camila will never say no to food. Especially because she guilted Harry into buying her meal.

 

“You should’ve came with me to stop me from drinking.”

 

“I had other things to do.”

 

“Right! The date!” Camila rolls her eyes. The worst part about him is when he can barely remember a thing the next morning.

 

“We spoke about this already.”

 

“Did we? It’s a vague recollection.”

 

“I’m sure.” She drawls.

 

“Wait, have you skyped with that girl yet?”

 

“How did you know about that?”

 

“When I’m bored I go through your tumblr.”

 

“Oh my god, I will murder you and make sure you can’t fuck a single thing if you do that again, Styles.” She huffs out, pointing her fork at him as she does so and splashing syrup everywhere.

 

“What! What happened to what’s yours is mine and mine is yours?”

 

“Do not test me.”

 

“Fine whatever, you didn’t answer me though!”

 

“It went well, actually. She’s funny and cute and we spoke for a long while.”

 

“Did you now?”

 

“What about that boy you were talking about last night?”

 

“I vaguely remember his name starting with an L, who knows to be honest.” He shrugs, shaggy curly hair bouncing.  

 

“One day you’ll find a nice girl or boy and actually want to commit.”

 

“And on that day, you will knock the shit out of me and tell me to snap out of it.”

 

“I swear you’re only bi so you can fuck anything that walks.”

 

“Honey, I’m too hot to restrict myself.” She laughs at him then. Easily slipping into their banter.

 

They finish eating and decide to head home, it almost being one in the afternoon. She gathers the things she wants to bring to Sofi before throwing her bag at the front door and going into Harry’s room. She lays across his legs.

 

“Is it bad that I’m used to visiting and not staying?”

 

“No, on the contrary that’s what should be occurring.”

 

“They weren’t horrible, Harry.”

 

“They weren’t. I love your parents to death, sweetheart, but they didn’t know how to help you in any way.”

 

“I shouldn’t have needed help in the first place.”

 

“Mila, no. You were everything to them. You still are. It’s a large culture clash. You parents immigrated here and you were raised as an American and you have the normal teen angst and they just didn’t know what was going on.”

 

“Normal teen angst? Harry I used to _cut_.”

 

“Details.” He waves his hand dismissively.

 

\----------------------

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if nouf brought you here sorry she bothered you but thanks for reading i am really thankful.
> 
> comment or message me about what you think because yeah
> 
> so camila cuts. no this won't be a cliche, no it won't be true to everyone's story. yes, i'm going to try and make this right to the best of my ability. yes, i used to self harm as well.
> 
> big thanks to my support, nouf and marina ily. i couldn't do much without you guys anymore. 
> 
> also megs thanks for being awesome.
> 
> go read habit.
> 
> ps. rtf is updated or it will be soon after this go read.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

 

“Details.” He waves his hand dismissively.

 

“Details, Harry?” She rolled her eyes, mostly amused. In any other situation Camila would have been incredibly angry or irritated for someone to downplay her situation like that, but she wasn’t because this is Harry and she’s Camila. It’s really as simple as that. Mostly, she realizes that simplicity is a rare thing and she’s more than happy to take it as it comes. She’s never met someone she can be simple with. She thanks God for Harry.

 

“Are you ready for dinner tonight, my sugar muffin?”

 

“Don’t be gross.” Camila tosses an empty sugar packet at the boy. “I am. It’s not like we’re horrible anymore or anything. I miss Sofi like crazy and stuff. Plus it means good food because Dia de los muertos.”

 

"Always about the food with you."

 

"Who needs human compassion and love when I've got food. Pizza and ice cream keeps me company."

 

"When was the last time you had sex?" It's blunt of Harry and he says it with such a straight face that Camila's blush deepens.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“No, really, honey, bring someone home, date them, fuck them, I don’t know. You need to get laid.”

 

“Can we go back to talking about tonight?”

 

“Right, whatever, we should head out now to go get ready. If we leave around three we should get there by five. Traffic forbid.” Camila nods, glancing at the clock beside her; twelve ten.

 

\---------------

 

“Camila~!” Camila automatically opens her arms for her little sister to jump into.

 

“Are you coming home to stay!” The little girl excitedly asks as she hugs her sister’s neck and yells it in a whisper like fashion.

 

“Lo siento, no.” Sofia pouts before clinging tighter to her sisters neck.

 

“Hola, mi hija!”

 

“Hola, papa!” She calls back.

 

“Hello!” Harry calls as he steps into the large home after Camila. He reaches to take Sofi from her sister and hugs her tight. She automatically tugs at his hair and kisses him on the cheek.

 

“Food is almost ready.” Camila’s dad calls out from the kitchen. Camila walks in, Harry following in tow.

 

They sit down to eat shortly afterwards and Camila finds herself next to Sofi, helping her sister plate some rice.

 

“How’s school been?” Alejandro asks cheerfully.

 

“It’s been fine, transfer stuff went well and I’m just applying to schools now.” Camila mumbles out, still focused on helping Sofia.

 

“She’s been doing really great, actually.” Harry says immediately afterwards.

 

“Where are you looking to apply, Karla?” Sinuhe Cabello inquires.

 

“Sent in my Columbia application and NYU, Fordham, and BC are next.” She finally looks up at her mom.

 

“Aren’t those a bit far? You should stick to BC and BU and there are a bunch of schools in Boston, Karla.”

 

“Mami, please don’t do this tonight.”

 

“Why not? You’ve already moved out and I just think it’s best you stay closer to home, don’t you, Alejandro?” Sinuhe asks her husband, hoping he sides with her.

 

“Well, they’re all great schools, she’s bound to get into all of them. She’ll be fine!” Harry says nonchalantly. Camila thinks she could kiss him in thanks, but that’d be incest.

 

“But---”

 

“Sinuhe.” Alejandro says sternly.

 

“Don’t you all gang up on me.”

 

“Sólo quiero lo mejor para mi hija.” _I just want the best for my daughter_. Camila hates when her mom switches to Spanish because it’s to purposely block Harry out. She thought it would work with Demi back then too.

 

“Ella puede darse cuenta de eso por su cuenta.” _She can figure that out on her own_. He smiles warmly at his daughter before redirecting his attention towards his persistent wife.

 

“Después de esa chica ---” _After that girl---_

 

“She did nothing!” Camila says furiously.

 

“Sinuhe, basta!”

 

“Sofi, how’s school going, love?” Harry asks the younger Cabello after a short moment. The girl begins excitedly speaking about her studies and the class projects, but especially about this one boy who she thinks is really cute.

 

\-----------------

 

“That totally could’ve gone worse.” Harry says.

 

“No, it really couldn’t have.”

 

“It’s rarely a Cabello occasion if someone’s feelings aren’t hurt.”

 

“That’s one way to put it.” Camila says distractedly looking at her phone.

 

“What’re you doing?”

 

“Texting. A modern invention, most use.”

 

“Don’t be cheeky. Who are you texting?” Camila doesn’t reply, instead continuing to type away.

 

“Ariana?”

 

“Hello?”

 

“Mila!” Harry says, eyes still on the road, but mouth open from yelling.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Are you texting that cute little redhead?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then who?”

 

“A female.”

 

“Yes, Styles, a female.”

 

“What’s her name?”

 

\----------------

 

“Lo, you’re supposed to be like having fun at this sleepover.”

 

“What?” Lauren looks from her phone

 

“I’m going to flush that thing down my toilet.”

 

“Don’t be overdramatic, Manibear.

 

“Can you at least tell me who you’re texting?”

 

“A friend.”

 

“A boy or girl friend?” Normani smirks. Alexa appears at the bottom of the stairs with popcorn.

 

“What’re we talking about now?”

 

“Lauren’s keeping secrets.”

 

“That’s not very nice, Lauren.”

 

“I’m hardly one to have any.”

 

“But when you do, they’re always the best.” Alexa says after passing the popcorn to Normani. Magic Mike is playing in the background, but the girls are now focused on Lauren.

 

“She’s just a friend who doesn’t live here.”

 

“Don’t tell me she’s from tumblr.”

 

Lauren just shrugs in response to Alexa and gets a sympathetic smile from Normani.  “Are we sleeping over tonight?” Normani asks.

 

“If you guys want. I have to be up early tomorrow for swim practice so I won’t be here when you wake up.”

 

“I’m down with going home. I’m not really in the mood.”

 

“Ouch, Laur.” Normani feigns hurt.

 

“It’s not personal. I’m just tired from this week.” It’s not a lie, after her Skype session with Camila it hadn’t happened again, but the girl’s were avid texters. They were speaking almost nonstop, but it hadn’t been about anything serious, until tonight. She just has an urge to go home, curl up in bed with her laptop and continue to text or maybe even skype with Camila.

 

“Okay, you need a ride home right?” Normani asks.

 

“Mhm.”

 

\-----------------

 

_‘I’m just getting home now. Really, I hope you’re alright.’_

 

_“Don’t worry about me! I’ll be home soon too, actually, do you want to Skype? I could use a distraction.’ Lauren smiles, happy that Camila had the same idea as she did earlier._

 

_‘For sure! :)’_

 

Lauren rolls onto her bed, kicking her shoes off and closes her eyes, laid out and uncaring. The smile that stretches across her features is a direct consequence of Camila’s texts.

 

She logs into Skype immediately, not really caring if she comes off as over-eager or over-excited. She’s all of those things. She’s never been that sort of person and it’s a bit odd to her, when she thinks about it, it’s out of character for her to be like this. It’s not that she doesn’t get excited about things, it’s just that she’s never really met someone that’s she’s excited about.

 

As she waits she goes onto tumblr, and as consequence, somehow ends up on Camila’s personal blog, in the writing section. She’s been better about not being as stalkerish, but she can’t really help the natural curiosity. She reads the new post;

 

_‘Family is a funny word. You’ve got family you’re born into the kind that people say that phrase, blood is thicker than water, but I can’t find that that’s true. Harry has been around for so long, it’s not the growing up together thing, or maybe it is, but he’s the closest family I have. My parents never understood, I never really understood, but Harry’s always been around._

 

_Then there was Demi and sure, that started of more... intimate than anything I’ve ever felt, but there’s something else too. She’s family in a way. I guess family is anyone you connect with and will continue to connect with for life. I just think it’s funny how family works. I see them tomorrow, my real family, I don’t know if ‘real’ is the word, but I hope it goes well. My mom usually starts something._

 

_There’s also this other girl...but I don’t know what to say about that quite yet. For now, a quote that’s been on my mind; My life is my message. Of course, Ghandi said it, but nonetheless it’s great. I hope my life is a message others will be able to clearly read.’_

 

She reads it one more time, just to make sure she really took it in. Earlier today, Camila had texted her that dinner had gone ‘alright’ but not great. She hopes Camila will open up to her more, she even wonders if she should just ask the other girl upfront about the post---

 

Her skype tone rings and she picks it up, thoughts on hold as Camila’s face appears on her screen.

 

“Hola!” Camila’s smiling, a blue wall behind her.

 

“Hey, there.” Lauren replies.

 

The silence stretches for a bit, it hangs in the air awkwardly, both of the girls smiling. “What’ve you been up to?”

 

“I just spent a few hours over at Alexa’s house, oh Alexa’s one of my friend’s, watching movies. How about you? ” Lauren sways a bit, feeling jittery.

 

“That’s awesome. I just got back from that dinner I was telling you about.” Camila trails off. Lauren bites her lip and contemplates what she should do now, it’s the headstrongness that ends up winning, per usual; “I saw your post from last night, did you want to talk about it?”

 

“Oh, I didn’t actually think anyone read that stuff.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Lauren blushes, fighting the urge to hang up and run.

 

“Don’t be! It actually didn’t go all too well, but I guess it wasn’t awful.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it more?”

 

Camila looks at Lauren, really looks at her. Takes in the obvious yoga pants, and the pillows behind her, the overly large crewneck sweater with a ‘Miami is better’ logo on it. Her hair tied up, her face genuine. There’s nothing _wrong_ with this girl.

 

“What do you want to know?”

 

“Whatever made you upset.”

 

“That’s fair. I guess it’s what I wrote about kind of?” Camila shrugs before continuing, “Like, my parents have never really understood me, but I never really minded either. They immigrated here for us, so I’m appreciative, but it’s a generational and cultural gap. Nothing bad ever really happened to me, it just was that sort of--” She sighs.

 

“It’s that sort of thing.” She shrugs again and Lauren doesn’t know if it’s the mystery or the fact that Camila is just _endearing_ to her.

 

“I’ve never really had anything dramatic happen to me, it’s not a bad thing, I know I’m lucky.” She doesn’t know why she says it, because it’s not a reassuring type of thing, it’s more of a way to express herself to Camila as well.

 

“Your post yesterday, that quote reminded me of 100 Años De Soledad.”

 

“One Hundred Years of Solitude?”

 

“Yeah. Just that you want your life to be a clear message. For some reason I just thought about it because I don’t know---I’m sorry this is stupid.” Lauren ducks her head down almost bashfully.

 

“It’s not stupid, that’s actually one of my favorite books. Enlighten me?”

 

“Really? It’s mine too.” Lauren smiles, Camila notes the way her eyes crinkle and the green stands out.

 

“So tell me!”

 

“Just that in order to that, I feel like you have to break out of your routine. Be original. That book was all about not being able to escape your past, maybe in a way, being you is about embracing it.”

 

There’s silence. Camila, absorbs the information.

 

Conversations like these are ones to treasure.

 

“That was far from stupid.”

 

“You’re right, it was further.” Lauren smiles, still shy.

 

“You’re too hard on yourself.”

 

“I’m not usually. I think you make me nervous---wow that was forward.” She’s sure she’s red.

 

“You make me nervous too.” Camila smiles back.

 

“Let’s play a game?”

 

“What kind of game?”

 

“Uhm, it’s lame, but twenty questions?”

 

“Alright, that’s fine, I don’t know much about you anyways.”

 

“Are you saying you want to?” The flirting comes out of nowhere, but Lauren’s glad she can do it.

 

“I am.”

 

“You’re very forward.”

 

“That wasn’t a question.”

 

“Alright, fine.” Lauren pretends to stroke her non-existent beard. “Okay, Brownie or Big Mac?”

 

“Both.”

 

“Oh?” Lauren laughs at Camila’s response.

 

“My turn. What’s your favorite school subject?”

 

“You’re just trying to see if I’m a nerd.”

 

“Are you?”

 

“It’s actually one of my IB courses, Anthropology.”

 

“I’ve heard of IB before! That’s awesome, tell me about it?”

 

“That’s a second question.”

 

“You’re playing hard-ball.”

 

“What’s your favorite?”

 

“You’re technically cheating because I’ve already asked that, but I’ll answer anyways. My favorite class in school right now is lunch.” Lauren laughs at the seriousness of Camila’s statement.

 

“My turn, answer my other question.”

 

“The class is about anthropology. Understanding other cultures and perspectives, basically.”

 

“That sounds fascinating.”

 

“It really is. My teacher is great too! He’s such a hippie, but he’s such a great guy.”

 

“That’s awesome. At my previous school I had some great mentors. I haven’t really looked for one here.”

 

“You transferred?”

 

“Uhm, yeah I did.” Lauren can tell from the way Camila shifts in her seat that she’s broached a topic she wasn’t really comfortable with.

 

“We don’t have to talk about it.”

 

“Thanks. Maybe another night, though?” The promise of trust and another day of skyping is enough to make Lauren smile wide, Camila notices.

 

“You’ve got a beautiful smile.”

 

“Have I said you’re forward yet?”

 

“You have.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Don’t thank me. Everyone deserves to be noticed.” She’s a little disappointed that she’s not specified herself, that she’s not special. Her smile falls a little.

 

“But, you’ve got the prettiest.”

 

“Has anyone ever told you, you’re a flirt?”

 

“You’re not so bad...” She cuts off, “I don’t know your last name.”

 

“Are you going to stalk me?”

 

“I already do.”

 

“Okay, it’s Jauregui.”

 

“Mine’s Cabello.”

 

“Middle name?”

 

“That’s actually my middle name.”

 

“What’s your first?”

 

“I don’t want to say it.”

 

“My full name is Lauren Michelle Jauregui.”

 

“I’m going to call you Michelle.”

 

“Do not.”

 

“Mine’s Karla Camila Cabello.”

 

“That’s so cute.”

 

“I’m not cute.”

 

“You’re more than that.” It slips out again and Camila finds herself blushing at the other girl.

 

They speak for a few more hours. Hours. Camila sighs as she shuts her computer off, setting it on her bedside desk.

 

At first, she hadn’t really paid much attention to what was going on with Lauren. In reality, she had noticed how pretty the girl is, how beautiful really. She had texted her a lot and enjoyed the girl’s company, but until today, she hadn’t realized how _special_ and how _different_ the Miami native is.

 

She likes it.

 

More than she has the capacity to right now.

 

\--------------

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dfklhfjdsklaa I WAS AT ORIENTATION FOR COLLEGE I LOVE IT HERE LIKE REALLY OKAY?
> 
> But now I'm acclimated and have much more time to write. So here I am.
> 
> Elena is my girlfriend I love her thanks for being around, babe.
> 
> NOUF AND MARINA YOU BEAUTIFUL IDIOTS I LOVE YOU STOP BEING TOO BUSY FOR ME.
> 
> leave a comment or kudo or message me on tumblr because feedback makes me write faster i love you all


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is different. I've began adding dates so that it's easier to get a grasp of the timeline because I skip ahead very frequently.

**Chapter 5**

 

**Thursday, November 7th, 2013**

 

“You can’t be serious?”

 

“I totally am!”

 

“That’s priceless!” Lauren says, fits of laughter following.

 

“Don’t laugh at my pain!”

 

“You’re the one who ordered pizza in her sleep.”

 

“I have issues.” Camila leans back into the headboard of her bed, adjusting her laptop so it sits more comfortably on her lap.

 

“Is there a sort of AA meeting for that? I’m sure theres a pizza therapist somewhere.”

 

“Harry’s looked.”

 

“I can be more efficient.” Lauren says, slightly jealous at the mention of Harry. She’s seen the boy a few times over the course of the past week. She knows, from what Camila has told her honestly, that Harry is a close friend and practically a brother, but despite that, she’s left with a sort of longing to be in his position. To get to know Camila personally, to physically be there with her. It sort of scares her to admit that.

 

“Sad part is, I totally paid for it and ate it.”

 

“Should’ve called, I would’ve came over to join.” Lauren fires back, happy at the obvious smile on Camila’s face.

 

“Could’ve caught the red eye.” Lauren knows intuitively that Camila is joking, but the smile that was wide before has turned soft and Lauren really really wants to just think that Camila means it.

 

“Someday.” She chooses to say instead.

 

“How about, New York?”

 

“What?”

 

“Are you still visiting New York?”

 

“Yeah. A few days after Christmas through New Years.”

 

“I’ll see you then.” It’s terribly nonchalant and Camila is hiding beneath layers and layers of _cool_ and _calm_ and that silly smile. Lauren doesn’t know she’s serious.

 

Not until she hangs up the skype call, about an hour later, when she sends off a quick text to Camila; _‘Thanks for that. It made my day a lot better, were you serious about NY?’_

 

The reply comes a few seconds later, _‘It’s not far at all and Harry and I were looking to leave Boston for a bit anyways. I’d love to see you, I swear I’m not an old man.’_

 

That’s when Lauren doesn’t know whether to scream from happiness or cry because she’s already in very deep and she can’t turn herself around. This girl, a girl she got to know from the inside out, from her deepest thoughts splayed out in words, placed together delicately for everyone and no one to read, to seeing her face almost daily and wishing she was there.

 

She’s in way too deep already.

 

**Friday, November 8th, 2013**

 

_‘I should be going out, but a lot has been on my mind recently. I feel out of the loop, like I’m just waiting for things to pass by around me until December, or even January when we get our letters. I don’t know what to do with that either.’_ **Posted at 01:18am by ssweet-dispositionn**

 

**Sunday, November 10th, 2013**

 

_‘I’ve never been one to do this sort of thing and I don’t know if it’s the lack of control that’s letting me do it, but I can tell it’s going to create a mess. I know she’ll read this, but I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I can’t wait to see her in December. Ariana... It’s like she’s there. She’s here, I mean and for now that’s just what I need. I don’t want an amount of seriousness like there was with Demi, not yet anyways. I think her and I work well now because we don’t care. I hope this doesn’t hurt, you.’_ **Posted at 08:23pm by waakeme-up**

 

Camila shuts her computer before grabbing her wallet and favorite hoodie. She’s just going out to get coffee tonight with Ariana, and she’s not going to bother herself with getting dressed up.

 

She texts the girl that she’ll be there in fifteen minutes, not minding the t ride over to the other girls house. She needs some time to think.

 

Think. It sounds simple. Simple. That words is an oxymoron within itself.

 

She enjoys spending time with Ariana. They’ve grown closer over the past few weeks. Having gone on that date previously, the chemistry had picked up from there, neither girl wanting to identify exactly what type of chemistry it was, or even if it was a _relationship_. It’s lingered, played out, the two are comfortable.

 

Sometimes, life works that way.

 

But, in the back of her mind, Lauren and her green eyes and easy smile are there. Camila’s avoided the thought of something serious for quite sometime, due to the lack of assurance on if they’d be able to see one another and the fact that the _what if’s_ overwhelm any real intentions.

 

However, Camila made plans with Harry to see Lauren. Three days ago she finally found a time to bring it up to the girl, amongst the flirting and the usual conversation she said she’d see Lauren in New York City around New Years.

 

She thinks it’s sort of like catapulting herself into something completely unknown and it doesn’t scare her in the way she thought it would. Not in the whole, I don’t want to fall in love again especially when she won’t be here right away, but more so in the sort of way that Lauren’s as much of a mystery as Demi once was to her. She doesn’t want to go searching for the truth in Lauren and end up being scorned, but then again, Demi never scorned her. If anything, the older girl showed her things she never would have or could have discovered on her own.

 

Sighing, she hopes out of the t train and begins walking out the underground station and towards Ariana’s house. The redhead’s parents are the epitome of sweet and welcoming, it’s warming to think that a girl like Ariana has a great home.

 

Approaching the door about five minutes later she knocks. Ariana greets her and tugs her upstairs without hesitation, she calls a ‘hello’ out to Mrs.Grande before following the older girl up the stairs.

 

“I auditioned for a show this past week and I find out soon whether or not I got in!” Ariana yells despite their close proximity.

 

“That’s awesome!” Camila says back, going in to hug the girl immediately. She likes physical contact, with anyone really.

 

Ariana pulls back and kisses her. Camila kisses back.

 

It’s not the first girl she’s kissed, but it’s the first girl who’s ever kissed her _like this_. Ariana has a natural ‘pep’ in her step. It’s corny, but it’s the only way to describe it. Ariana is naturally excited, naturally happy. It’s rare to find the girl serious and uncaring. She kisses like she’s excited and that’s something Camila likes.

 

Ariana’s a little shorter, especially when she’s barefoot and Camila has her converses on. Camila tilts her head down a little, to engage more fully in the kiss and as she does Ariana wraps her arms around her neck.

 

Their kisses are never deep or longing, they’re playful, but it’s still something Camila really really likes. She kisses back in the same way, she nips at Ariana’s lips and the girl giggles before she leans forward more and sucks Camila’s lower lip into her mouth.

 

“Hey, hey.” Ariana says as she pulls away, her voice that higher pitch that Camila just finds adorably cute.

 

She’s fond of this girl.

 

“What show was it?”

 

“One with an up and coming director. It’s off broadway. But can we not jinx it?” Camila nods, sitting on Ariana’s bed as the girl straddles her. She smirks a bit as Ariana bites her own lip and says, “I need a distraction.”

 

Camila gladly obliges.

 

**Wednesday, November 13th, 2013**

 

“Do you want to talk about any of it?”

 

Lauren shrugs at Camila’s question. Not quite knowing why she’s holding back. She’s never been too expressive, only ever on tumblr.

 

“Do you want to talk about anything?” Lauren counters back. She’s not exactly being defensive, she’s just redirecting the attention back onto Camila. Camila accepts realizing that Lauren isn’t going to offer anything up immediately.

 

She remembers what Demi said, _“Some people trust immediately, giving people benefit of the doubt, but some people just don’t. You have to earn their trust. You and I? We’re stupid for giving people the benefit of the doubt.”_

 

It’s true and she’s realizing now, that Lauren doesn’t trust easily.

 

“I’m at this weird place in my life.” She says at a statement. Camila is, by nature, a caregiver. That’s what got her into her mess in the first place. She cares too much for too many people and is eager to please. She can’t please everyone.

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah. I had a bit of a rough time---” She pauses gathering herself, shifting so that she lays her computer down on her bed so she can lay parallel to it. Her sweats slide down a little bit but she doesn’t care.

 

“A rough time---and you’ve read through my personal tag, right?” Lauren nods, not allowing herself to get embarrassed. More eager to figure out what is going on or what exactly Camila’s going to tell her.

 

“I used to cut. It wasn’t like a big deal, but my parents overreacted---in a way I have to thank them. I was put in a---” She doesn’t want to call it a loony bin or anything, “--a mental institution for self harm.” Lauren’s eyebrows are furrowing and shock is written across her features. Camila almost regrets telling her until, “It doesn’t make things any different.”

 

Camila doesn’t know if that was the right thing for Lauren to say, but she knows that it’s _something_ and something is better than silence or rejection. She doesn’t expect anything at all. She shouldn’t expect Lauren to return her admission because trust takes time and she doesn’t want to rush things.

 

“You don’t have to say anymore.” Lauren does it again. Just like she did those weeks ago, sensing Camila’s discomfort in discussing her past and stepping in to relieve her of the uncomfortableness.

 

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to tell you.” Camila offers back. She doesn’t know where the courage comes from, or if it’s courage that’s pushing her to say anything at all. Later, when she re-analysis this part of their conversation she’ll come to the conclusion that it’s actually Lauren that makes her want to talk. Had Ariana tried she doesn’t think she would’ve opened up.

 

She had started this hoping to help their friendship, realizing that Lauren has a force of her own.

 

Lauren nods and Camila inhales before speaking, “There’s a lot to the story, but I was a mess. I got sent to this place that was so unfamiliar and it felt like such a punishment...” She trails off. Appreciating the encapsulation silence that Lauren allows the conversation to have.

 

“I liked to please people, not realizing that it’s not how life is supposed to be. When I kept messing up I started cutting.” She stutters the word ‘cutting’ because it’s still hard and fresh in her mind, despite the months that have passed.

 

“And then I went into what’s basically rehab, and it was even harder. Because it felt like the ultimate fuck up.” Lauren nods, laying down to match Camila’s position. She finds her pillow pet and hugs it tightly. She doesn’t know why _it hurts_ to hear this.

 

“Then I met Demi.” Demi. Lauren remembers hearing the name a few times and reading it more often back in Camila’s older posts. References here and there, enough to make her aware that this girl’s position is an important one.

 

“She was a patient there. I had met her in one of those sessions where they sit you down and make you talk about how you feel.” Camila mumbles the last part bitterly. She lets it escape though, exhaling it out because she doesn’t want to be that person.

 

“My parents---the reason we have so much trouble these days is because they think I went into rehab straight and came out gay because of a girl I met there; Demi.” It hurts Lauren. It hurts her because this girl’s past is a past she can’t imagine and she’s learning that the depth of Camila’s writing is purely a product of hours of thoughts and experiences.

 

Lauren doesn’t know what to do right now. A part of her wants Camila to stop there because she can’t handle anymore right now, because she doesn’t understand why her heart _aches_ right now.

 

“I’ve been having trouble with just being in the presen. I think my friend’s are frustrated with me.” Lauren cuts in as Camila holds onto the silence. She looks up, almost relieved to hear Lauren cut in.

 

“You should talk to them.”

 

“I don’t know how to.”

 

“How to talk?” Camila responds.

 

“How to ask if I’m doing something wrong.” Lauren mumbles out. She thinks she sounds pathetic as she says it, but she doesn’t care much. This is better than feeling the ache she felt before.

 

**Wednesday, November 20th, 2013**

 

“You can’t lie to me.”

 

“I never said I could.”

 

“I’m your best friend.”

 

“You are.”

 

“We’re going on this trip in like a month, tell me why you’re so wrapped up in it.”

 

“I’m not!”

 

“You are.”

 

“Mani, lay off, please?” The green eyed girl knows she should have spoken to Normani after she had spoken to Camila that night, but a week has passed and she still hadn’t found it in her. Now she’s here and she doesn’t know why she’s treating her best friend like this.

 

“No.” Lauren sighs before grabbing the nearest pillow and shoving it up against her face. She absolutely loves Normani to death, but sometimes it feels a bit smothering.

 

“You know what?”

 

“What?” It comes out as a frustrated huff and she immediately regrets her tone.

 

“I just care about you. I know you’ve never really invested much in people, from experiences, I’ve got no idea, but I care about you, Laur. You’re my best friend and I had assumed the same from you, but open up a bit. You can’t shut everyone out and expect them to wait around.” Normani mumbles the last few words, realizing instantly how harsh they’d come out.

 

Her nature is to push. Her nature is to care. Normani’s been that best friend for Lauren since middle school. She was there when she came out. She’s been a lot for Lauren, but getting the green-eyed girl to open up and actually talk about how she feels has been so difficult. It’s always been difficult, but lately, Lauren’s remained at home more than she has out.

 

It’s been about a month since the end of October, and at first, Normani had thought it was the worry over applications, and the pressure to get enough financial aid, but that had not been the case. Lauren turned in all of her apps by mid November and if anything, it should’ve been relieving.

 

“I’m sorry, really.” Lauren’s cut into her thoughts. She feels like such an idiot, and she sort of feels like things have been so heavy lately. Like she’s been experiencing so much. Between the realizations with Camila and the hour long conversations and now this with Normani. It’s just a lot.

 

“Don’t be. Just, try and keep me in the loop. Our friendship means alot to me.”

 

“It does to me too.” Lauren responds. She hadn’t meant to do that, neglect her friendships, but it’s a consequence of her investing so much more time in Camila. She’s had a week to talk to her friends, but she didn’t allow herself the time. Instead she spent her time on skype or tumblr. Normani didn’t think she invested time in anyone. She realizes how true that statement is. Time’s flown by and she really just wants to do something.

 

Anything, really.

 

She’s been _stuck_.

 

Stuck is not a great place to be.

 

“There’s this girl.” It’s a quick switch of conversation, but sometimes, that’s the easiest way to be honest.

 

“A girl?” Normani responds, moving herself to sit beside Lauren. They’ve been in Lauren’s room for a few hours, before they were just sitting around talking, talking had turned into scrolling through their phones, until Normani had said what she said.

 

“Mhm.”

 

“I’ve just been spending a lot of time talking to her.” Years of friendship, years of trust, and honesty and mistakes forgiven. This isn’t a stranger, Lauren reminds herself. This is her best friend.

 

“Is she interested?”

 

“I don’t know. Seems to be.”

 

“Then, it’s that simple, isn’t it?” Normani replies after a few moments. She leans onto her elbow, on her side, to look at Lauren.

 

“I wish.” The darker girl doesn’t reply. Instead she remains silent, allowing the time for Lauren to gather more thoughts and let her in. She may be one to push, but she knows when to remain patient.

 

It takes a good few moments, but Normani remains as she is, Lauren’s eyes shut as she fidgets with the pillow she’s had over her midsection for quite awhile.

 

“I’ve never had a bad experience.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You said you didn’t know if I didn’t invest much in people because of experience or whatever.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I’ve never had a bad experience with anyone. I love you to death, Mani. I just don’t really ever have much to say.” She thinks about Camila, her experiences. She grimaces at the thought of the girl’s experiences.

 

“Doesn’t mean that when you do, I don’t want to listen.” Lauren wants to smash her head into her wall. She’s contemplative, even observant. She’s a lot of things. Lauren Michelle Jauregui is a lot of things, but she’s still got a lot more to learn from those around her. She’s built of those people around her. She’s an idiot.

 

“I’m sorry.” Lauren opens her eyes, turning to her side to see her best friend smiling.

 

“Don’t apologize. Just don’t be so thick headed.”

 

“Deal.” Lauren sits up a bit.

 

“Do you want to talk about this girl some more?”

 

“I don’t know what else to say.”

 

“Where is she from?” Normani inquires, following Lauren’s lead to sit up.

 

“Boston.”

 

“Oh, so this is the tumblr girl?” Lauren obviously blushes before getting defensive, “It’s not like those stupid catfish shows or whatever.”

 

“Woah, calm down.” Normani laughs, as she says it, obviously Lauren’s a lot more into this girl than she probably even knows. “Have y’all skyped and stuff?”

 

“Yeah, a few times. More frequently this month since apps are in.” _Understatement_.

 

“That’s good.”

 

“Mhm.”

  
\--------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u guys don't message me anymore it makes me really sad ok? please message me and tell me what you like and don't like because i hated this chapter; so please let me know what you're thinking.
> 
> it's a lot though so i hope you took it in properly; there's still a lot more to learn about both girls. 
> 
> thanks noufy for being you and writing stuff as realistic and inspiring as rtf, thanks marina for being amazing and sure it might be smut, but that's an art of it's own and you're both too bloody talented.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 

**Thursday, November 21st, 2013**

 

“I can’t believe I didn’t know that you loved Orphan Black!”

 

“I usually don’t readily admit to being a SyFy nerd.”

 

“It’s the glasses. I should’ve guessed when I saw you wearing glasses that first night.” Camila says it almost triumphantly, like the glasses truly did hold the truth to all questions and doubts she’s ever encountered.

 

“You know of the show, does that mean you watch?”

 

“I’m actually a very very big Warehouse Thirteen fan and if you tell anyone I’ll deny it.” Camila replies.

 

“You’re a total history buff then, aren’t you?”

 

“I am, is that a problem?” Camila shrugs, almost challenging Lauren.

 

“Anyways, what did you do today?”

 

“Me?” Lauren loves that this is a daily instalment of their conversations. She loves that Camila always asks, even if they’d been texting all day anyways.

 

“No, pinky over there.” Lauren blushes and hides the pillow pet behind her.

 

“When will you stop taking advantage of seeing pinky and teasing me about it?”

 

“When you stop blushing so much.” Camila just smirks because Lauren’s _still_ blushing.

 

“Anyways.” Lauren urges forward.

 

“Anyways.” Camila repeats.

 

“You like history then?”

 

“Yeah, it’s fun stuff. Mythology and stuff, but then Warehouse 13 is all about history and memories and the little things and I know they’re not real or anything, but--” She stops because she’s _rambling_.

 

“Anyways.”

 

“No, please, keep going.” Lauren smiles as she says it, intrigued once again. It’s not really a surprise to her because she’s learned something new everyday.

 

“Nope, you’ll use this against me eventually.”

 

“No, I won’t.”

 

“What do I get if you do?” Camila replies.

 

Lauren taps her chin and pretends to think long and hard about it. She can’t come up with anything, until she smirks and says, “Pinky.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“That’s how serious I am.” Lauren trails off as Camila begins to laugh loudly.

 

“Serious enough to give me pinky the pink pig pillow pet.”

 

“Yes, actually.” Lauren replies, laughing at Camila’s teary eyes. She wasn’t _that_  funny.

 

“Fine, I’m a huge history buff.”

 

“Like, do you want to major in history at Columbia?” Lauren inquires, adjusting her feet so that she’s laying down with the laptop on her chest.

 

“I don’t know. I think I really like history but writing is a lot of fun too.” Camila shrugs. Really, she hasn’t allowed herself to think past getting into a place like Columbia.

 

“How about you?”

 

“I don’t know.” Lauren shrugs as well. She watches as Camila gets up to throw a sweater on. Lauren’s used to this. If Camila’s not wearing a sweater while they’re skyping, she’ll get up to put one on. This time, it’s a green ‘Boston Celtics’ hoodie.

 

“It’s all about the Miami Heat.”

 

“No!”

 

“Yes!”

 

“NO!” Camila replies.

 

“We’re not friends anymore.” Lauren crosses her arms and pouts.

 

“I don’t even like basketball.” Camila laughs out, hopping back onto her bed and laying the laptop in front of her as she sits cross legged.

 

“Jerk.” Lauren bites back, holding back the laugh bubbling up her throat. She’s realized that as she gets to know Camila more, the goofier the girl ends up being. She loves it.

 

“Blame, Harry.” There’s this pang of jealousy once again because it’s Harry’s clothes and Harry is there and she is here. She pushes that aside. Smiling anyways, she says, “I won’t hold it against you.”

 

“If I said my heart was beating loud, if we could escape the crowd somehow, If I said I want your body now, Would you hold it against me?” And _what the fuck_?! Lauren’s jaw drops at Camila who had had her eyes closed head bobbing back and forth as she sang and Lauren just wants to slap her.  

 

“You sing!”

 

“SORRY!” Camila yells back to Lauren.

 

“What the fuck?”

 

“What?”

 

“You can sing!”

 

“I can, occasionally.” Camila replies.

 

“That was not an ‘occasionally’ type of voice!” Lauren practically yells, sitting up in her bed and pointing her finger at screen incredulously.

 

“I actually have this friend. Her name name is Ariana and she’s an incredibly singer, like broadway worthy kind of singer.” Lauren’s eyebrows furrow at that. Ariana is the girl from the text post. Also the girl Camila had said she went on a date with.

 

Camila doesn’t pick up on her reaction so she continues to ramble, “She’s just auditioned for an off-broadway show too! I know she’s going to get it.” Camila nods triumphantly at the end of that before focusing on Lauren’s face through the computer screen.

 

“Lo?” Nickname. She smiles despite the thoughts coursing through her mind.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“You okay?”

 

“Nickname. I like it.”

 

“Good, that’s what I’ll be calling you from now on.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” Camila shifts a bit in her seat.

 

“Hey, I actually have to go. I’ve got dinner with Normani tonight.” Lauren mumbles back as she sees the time. She’s going to be so late.

 

“Okay, have fun, Lo!” Camila waves at her.

 

\------------------

 

_‘Dinner with Normani was really nice. We spoke about the trip to NYC and they’re happy for us. They want Normani getting into NYU because they’ve got family up there. Afterwards, Normani and I spoke again. Mostly about the trip, I told her that...that Camila will be there. She’s happy. I told her about my uncertainty with what’s going on. I don’t know why I didn’t open up to her before, but she’s always been the best advice giver._

_'Camila, if you’re seeing this, what’s going on with Ariana? I’m sorry if this is bold, but I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to do this in person. I just... It’s not my place to ask, but I... I don’t know. I think it’s obvious I like you.'_   **Posted at 10:34pm by ssweet-dispositionn**

 

**Friday, November 22nd, 2013**

 

“I got in!” Ariana screams as she waves the paper in front of Camila’s face.

 

Camila smiles and congratulates the girl. “You printed out that email just so you could wave it in my face, didn’t you?”

 

“I did!”

 

“What does this mean?”

 

“It means! It means I get to start rehearsing in January!”

 

“So are you going to go to school over there?”

 

“I was just going to get my GED, but my mom wants to just hire me a private tutor or whatever.”

 

“You’re leaving me!” Ariana raises her eyebrow at the younger girl. “You’ll be meeting me there in a few months.”

 

“It won’t be the same.”

 

“Mila--” Ariana laughs at the pout on the girl’s face. She leans forward and kisses the girl’s pout.

 

“You’re being a lot more whiny than usual.”

 

“Dios. You’re a jerk.”

 

“Any reason why?” Ariana questions.

 

“Other than you’re leaving me?” Camila replies.

 

“You’re being a bit overdramatic, Mila.” Ariana sits down on Camila’s bed. The younger girl lays down next to the seated girl.

 

“Sorry. I’m really happy for you.” Ariana slides herself so she’s laying down next to Camila too, both staring up at the white ceiling of the girl’s room.

 

“Do you want to talk about what’s really going on?” Ariana asks, crumpling the paper up before throwing the paper on the ground.

 

“Can I get a distraction too?” Camila asks instead. Ariana smiles before tilting on her side, leaning slightly over Camila’s body, using her righ hand to balance her as she ducks in and kisses Camila.

 

It’s like the other kisses are, Camila thinks. Exciting, fun, playful. She can’t place if it’s Ariana or not, or just how it is, but she kisses back with the same level of fervor, allowing Ariana to guide her tongue into Camila’s own. She turns to the side slightly and grabs the red-heads hips. As she does so, Ariana bites her lower lip. She groans at the feeling and pulls back.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I’d be more offended if we were actually dating.” Ariana replies. She laughs as she sits up and lays against the headboard of the bed.

 

“That’s true. We’re not. I should just tell her that.” Camila says, turning around to press her face into her comforter.

 

“Tell who.”

 

“Joder.”

 

“Yo también hablo español, idiota.” Ariana says before rolling her eyes.

 

“What is going on?”

 

“Basically---” Camila sits up as she speaks. “Basically, there’s this girl I met who lives in Miami now and we’ve been talking a lot, but you and I have been messing around and I think she thinks we’re exclusive and I don’t know.”

 

Ariana furrows her eyebrows at her.

 

“You’re stupid.” The red-head thinks Camila is probably the biggest idiot right now, she just wants to laugh, really.

 

“Don’t be mean!”

 

“Camila, we’ve been friends...” She trails off for a bit, thinking about their history. “For awhile, not that long, sure, but whatever.” Pause.

 

“Anyways, we’ve just been having fun. I’m going off to New York, you’ll meet me there. I didn’t think we had anything serious...unless you did?” Camila wants to laugh, instead she groans.

 

“Nope.”

 

“Then you’re stupid as hell.”

 

“Stop telling me that.”

 

“What’s holding you back?” Camila hasn’t told Ariana anything about....well anything. She hasn’t felt the need to, she doesn’t distrust the older girl, she just hasn’t really thought about spilling her guts like that. They’ve had _fun_ and she liked how light it was.

 

“It’s not that I don’t like her, I know I like her.” Camila says. Ariana nods.

 

“It’s not like I don’t trust her to make it to New York either.” Another nods, “She’s planning to go to school there as well. It’s just...”

 

“I don’t know exactly what it is, really. I’ve told her a lot. There’s something about her.” Camila gets up and grabs a sweater to pull over her head. She fidgets through the closet till she finds her green Boston Celtics one. The one she wore yesterday with Camila.

 

“Like what?” Ariana questions, once Camila sits back down on the bed beside her, curiosity taking over.

 

Camila sighs before saying, “she wears glasses and beanies.” Is what she comes up with first. “I think they’re just reading glasses, but yeah. She’s beautiful.”

 

She doesn’t know what else to say. It’s not that she doesn’t _know_  Lauren. She _does_. She’s learned so much in such a short amount of time, but she likes the pace. The flirting, the carelessness. That’s not the right way to put it; _carelessness_. She cares a lot about Lauren. She knows Lauren cares a lot about her, if those tumblr posts are anything to go by.

 

“Show me a picture?” Ariana asks. She’s genuinely interested. She’s not insulted by Camila’s disinterest in her. It was more fun and games between them. They never went past a little heavy petting, and to be frank, she needed to stay focused on auditioning and singing. Camila was perfect. She wasn’t needy, wasn’t overbearing. They met up and had fun. It didn’t just extend to making out, but to watching movies and tv and listening to music. She cherishes the friendship more than she does the fling.

 

“Here.” Camila says, handing her phone over. She went to Lauren’s tumblr page and her ‘face’ tag.

 

“Holy shit.” Ariana says as she scrolls through the photos of the girl Camila’s crushing on. “Her eyes. Wow.” Ariana says again.

 

“Okay, enough.” Camila says, a hint of jealousy over Ariana’s blatant admiration of Lauren.

 

“You go for it, or I will.”

 

“You suck.”

 

“You wouldn’t know.”

 

\-----------------

 

**Sunday, November 24th, 2013**

 

Camila tosses her bouncy ball at her wall again before catching it as it comes back. It’s a repetitive, but the motion is sort of soothing. It’s one she learned back at the institution. That and watching ice really helps with calming yourself.

 

She doesn’t know why she’s nervous.

 

Well, she does.

 

She’s supposed to be skyping with Lauren tonight. Last night, she went back home again to see Sofia and Lauren had a family dinner. She’s been trying to figure out what to say to Lauren and she doesn’t know why she’s nervous.

 

She’s just been overthinking.

 

It really really bothers her that she’s overthinking. Since she’s gotten out of the institute she’s tried to remember to keep things easy. To take things one stride at a time because it’s easier to focus that way. There’s a bigger picture out there, but micromanagement isn’t healthy for her.

 

She smiles as the ball bounces back. She remembers doing this next time Demi and Emily and Tessa. It was fun when they did it together. They’d make a game out of it.

 

She’s pushed out of her daydream by the buzzing on her lap. A text. _‘Hey! Are you ready?’_ No, she thinks. She’s most definitely not ready.

 

She opens her computer and hits the green button anyways.

 

“Hi!” Lauren calls out as she sits down at her desk.

 

“Hey yourself.” Camila replies. Still in the same spot on the floor with the bouncy ball.

 

“What’s up, dork?”

 

“Playing with my bouncy ball.” She demonstrates by throwing the ball against the wall and catches it as it comes back.

 

“Oh, I see. Working on that hand-eye coordination thing.”

 

“Some of us can’t be as perfect as you, Jauregui.”

 

“You don’t know that I’m perfect at that sort of thing.” Lauren fires back easily, enjoying the conversation.

 

“You play softball.”

 

“How do you even know that?!” Lauren laughs at the embarrassment on Camila’s face.

 

“I stalked your photos. Cute outfit by the way.” Camila doesn’t miss a beat, despite the embarrassment. She doesn’t know why she was ever scared. Lauren just puts her at ease without knowing it herself.

 

“Oh my god, I meant to take those down!” Lauren exclaims.

 

“Okay--Anyways!” Camia fakes cough, bouncing her ball again, this time just to keep her hands busy.

 

“Anyways.”

 

“How was your day?” Camila asks, noticing that Lauren isn’t wearing glasses, but that she _is_ wearing that grey beanie. Her hair’s messy and Camila knows she put it on just to cover up her hair, but it’s cute nonetheless.

 

“It was good. Just had church this morning and then some stuff to do with my dad, how about you?”

 

“Well...” Is this the segway she’s been looking for? Yes, she tells herself. It is.

 

“Well?”

 

“I ate pizza.”

 

“Accomplishment, Cabello.” Camila fake glares at the girl before speaking again, “I ate pizza and thought about you.”

 

Lauren does almost a comical double take, allowing Camila time to take a breath and smile as Lauren realizes what she said and smiles as well.

 

“Nothing bad I hope.”

 

“Never.” Camila wants to die right there because the smile on Lauren’s face is probably the brightest one she’s seen yet, not just from the girl, but from anyone. To make someone glow like that isn’t _power_ to Camila, it’s luck. She’s _lucky_  to get to see something beautiful like that.

 

“Charming, Cabello.”

 

“That’s what they call me.” Camila’s smile mirrors Lauren’s and for a while, they stay like that, just looking and smiling. It’s surprisingly comfortable.

 

“What did you think about exactly?” Lauren breaks the silence, curiosity peaking once Camila’s words sink in.

 

“Your post, actually.” Camila responds, watching as Lauren’s smile drops in the slightest bit and she continues, “Ariana got that gig in New York.”

 

“That’s awesome!” Lauren doesn’t want to admit to being immature, but she knows that a part of her is ecstatic because that means she’ll be away from Camila, if only for a little while.

 

“We spoke as well. I want you to know now that...” Camila searches for the right phrasing because in any situation, especially in Lauren’s it could come off like she’s only interested in Lauren because Ariana’s leaving, that’s _not_  the case.

 

“I want you to know that I’ve liked you for a while and maybe it wasn’t fair that I was doing whatever with Ariana, but she wasn’t serious and neither was I and it’s not just because she’s leaving that I’m telling you this. Mostly, it’s because I read your post and she was looking at your pictures on tumblr and then I got jealous of her and I don’t know how that happened but it did because she was drooling and I didn’t want her to be and I got defensive and that doesn’t happen and oh my god---” Camila is out of breath as she finishes, “I just rambled and you let me!” Camila points at Lauren incredulously.

 

“It was cute.” Lauren shrugs like it’s absolutely _nothing_  and it’s funny because in Lauren’s mind she was the one who was all flustered and embarrassed at the beginning of this friendship and now Camila is and she _loves_  this side of Camila.

 

“I like you, Lauren. I don’t really like anyone else.”

 

“I’m sorry what? Skype cut out.”

 

“I said, I like you.”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re lying, you totally heard me.” Camila says, pouting as Lauren laughs at her.

 

“I like you too, Camz.” Camila’s smile widens immensely because that’s a nickname she’s never had before and wow. It sounds great coming out of Lauren’s mouth.

 

They chat for a bit, the banter getting wittier and quirkier as the day goes on, but before either girl realizes, Lauren’s being called out of her room to eat dinner.

 

Camila waves her off politely and smiles as Lauren shuts off skype with a promise to text her afterwards. Camila looks at the ‘Call ended 7 hours 26 minutes 7 seconds’ She laughs at the number before getting an idea.

 

_‘She’s beautiful when she smiles. I think I’ve figured out that it’s not just the power to make people smile that matters, not having power over them at all, it’s knowing that you’re lucky enough to experience some people’s smiles that’s important. Her’s is beautiful. I’m the luckiest.’_ **Posted at 07:48pm by waakeme-up**

 

Camila inserts a little screenshot of the call time and posts the post into her personal tag. She hopes Lauren sees it after dinner. Smiling, she shuts her laptop to grab her own dinner.

 

\------------------

 

“Papa! I’m done, Por favor!” Lauren whines as she sits at the table.

 

“What’s got you in such a hurry?”

 

“I just want to go skype Normani.”

 

“You see her everyday.” Chris jumps in.

 

“Stay out of this, punk.” Lauren glares at her younger brother.

 

“Vaya por delante.” Clara Jauregui jumps in, before her husband can. Lauren shouts a thank you before running back to her room.

 

_‘Just finished dinner. :)’_

 

 _‘Me too!' It’s called tv dinners and they’re not all that bad.’_ Lauren laughs before going on tumblr on her phone to check her messages and activity. She hadn’t actually been looking for anything by Camila, but as she sees the screen shots and reads the words she’s sure her face is as stuck as the chesire cats is because _wow_.

 

She doesn’t know why she does it or why she doesn’t _think_ before she does it, but she’s going back to their texts on her iPhone and scrolling up and hitting the ‘call’ button before she can stop herself.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Camz.” Camila’s not used to the nickname and she hopes it never gets that way.

 

“Mhm?”

 

“That post...” The younger girl would be worried that it was too much, but she swears she can _hear_  Lauren’s smile through the phone.

 

“Thank you.” Is what Lauren ends up saying.

 

“Don’t thank me.”

 

Lauren doesn’t have it in her to ask what she’s thinking, to ask what exactly _are they now_. She doesn’t know if she really wants to because right now, they’re great as they are. She knows that’s not a particularly great place to be, but mostly, she knows that it’s because she’s already _overwhelmed_  in the best way possible. They’ve got time.

 

**Tuesday, December 9th, 2013**

 

They’ve spoken on the phone or skyped every night since the 24th. Lauren wouldn’t trade that time for anything. She thinks it’s the best way to end the day and by the time they’re hanging up she’s already usually half asleep.

 

She’s always excited for this. Normani has been filled in too, (she’s purposefully working towards making sure she tells Normani everything).

 

“You kept me waiting, Jauregui.”

 

“Sorry!” Lauren replies, laying on her bed as Camila asks the standard (yet somehow still special to her) ‘how was your day?’

 

It’s literally _hours_ of conversation, once again. They talk a lot about Orphan Black and Tatiana Maslany’s greatness.

 

This time though, Camila falls asleep before she does.

 

This time, she doesn’t hang up.

 

It’s not creepy, right? She tells herself that it’s not because even if they’re not _dating_  they’re most definitely _something._  It’s odd to her, that she’s more awake now than she was when they were speaking.

 

Of course she goes to tumblr. Smiling, as plugs her headphones in to keep the call going and opens up a new text post.

 

 _‘You fell asleep, mid sentence and I could hear the grogginess in your voice before that. I don’t want to hang up. I hope you see this when you wake up tomorrow (because you’re always up first somehow) and you don’t think I’m creepy. You’re mumbling in your sleep right now---Again, it’s cute. Your breathing is really calming too... I’ll be here when you’re awake’_ **Posted at 01:18am by ssweet-dispositionn**

 

**Wednesday, December 18th, 2013**

 

“Lo?”

 

“Lolo?” Camila says into the phone again. She smiles as she hears shuffling through the phone. A groan comes through before, “What time is it?” Camila doesn’t know if it’s good or bad that she feels heat shoot straight to her core at the huskiness of Lauren’s voice. Tingly, she’ll call it tingly for now.

 

“Seven-twenty.”

 

“You get up earlier and earlier, you jerk.” Lauren replies through the phone. Rolling over to grab her pillow she feels around for pinky before she hears Camila answer.

 

“You asked me to wake you up.”

 

“Why would I do that while sane.” Lauren asks herself more than she does Camila.

 

“Get up, sleepyhead.” Lauren groans once again before checking her phone. ‘Ten days!!!!!’ Is the text she gets from Normani this morning. One that instantly brings a smile to her face.

 

‘I can’t wait!’ She texts back before speaking to Camila again. “Normani texted me ten days.”

 

“She’s as excited as we are?” Camila asks.

 

“Mhm, but she can’t beat me in that department. I get to see you.” Lauren has no filter in the morning because her mind hasn’t caught up to anything else. They’ve spoken about what ‘they’ are a few times and they both decided that waiting till they saw one another would be the best for them both.

 

“I’ve got to go hop in the shower now, but text me, okay?” Lauren’s about to reply when she hears Harry yelling in the background about being out of tea. She laughs a little when Camila groans and yells back that it was his turn to buy groceries and she says a quick goodbye.

 

Lauren heads into the shower to clean up a bit before school. It’s moderately warm still in Miami so she settles on being extremely lazy and wearing some baggy grey sweats and her favorite t-shirt.

 

The day is simple enough. She’s got the most serious case of Senioritis and she doesn’t even _care_. But that’s the point. She just doesn’t care.

 

The entire day she spends texting Normani and pretending to pay attention to her teachers.

 

Ten days.

 

She barely cares about Christmas.

 

**Tuesday, December 24th, 2013**

 

Today, for once, she hadn’t woken up on the phone with Camila. Since they got into the routine they hadn’t missed a day of it, but it’s Christmas Eve and it was a jauregui tradition that they celebrate the eve of Christmas Eve at church and so Lauren couldn’t be on the phone.

 

It felt sort of odd to her.

 

She’s got a busy day today as well. It’s sort of hectic with Christmas because they do a lot with family and Lauren has a _huge_  family outside of Miami. It’s their turn to host, though. So Lauren’s been in the kitchen with her mom and her Abuela trying to get everything ready.

 

She doesn’t have much time to miss Camila, but she checks her phone occasionally and smiles at the random messages the girl leaves her, despite knowing she’s busy cooking. Things like, ‘hey, will you cook for me?’ and ‘does that mean I wear the pants?’ and ‘nope, that can’t be right. I like skirts a lot.’ They make Lauren smile whenever she looks and her mom is suspicious of her, but she doesn’t care at all.

 

“Bella?” Her grandmother calls her bella and she always smiles at that.

 

She realizes she should be paying more attention so she does.

 

\-------------

 

By eleven pm that night she’s sure she’s never felt exhaustion like this.

 

“Camz?” She sighs out when she hears the calling tone stop and static enter the phone.

 

“Hey!”

 

“I’m so tired.”

 

“Get some sleep, Lolo.” Camila replies easily. Lauren nods, not realizing Camila can’t actually see her. She doesn’t even change out of the clothes she’s in.

 

“Come cuddle.” It’s such a low mumble that Camila almost doesn’t catch it, but she smiles when she does and says, “Just a few days now, Lo.”

 

_‘I don’t know what it is exactly. I know I still have so much to tell you. I know you may hate the things I tell you, but I doubt that because I’ve already learned so much about you and I know I couldn’t hate you. You hopefully can’t hate me. You’re asleep now, exhausted really. It’s actually 11:56, I’ll go ahead and say it now. Merry Christmas, Lolo. You’re probably the best gift I could’ve asked for. It’s cheesy and I’m sorry about that, but it’s true. I can’t wait to see you soon. Harry’s excited to meet Normani. Says he needs some straight friends.’_ **Posted at 11:59pm by waakeme-up**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fdasjhfkldashfsf i'm sleepy
> 
> nouf, marina, you guys are like my partners in crime so thanks idk what i'm writing but i'm tired ok ok
> 
> pls message me because no one is still and i'm gonna cry


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 

**Wednesday, December 25th, 2013**

 

“Mila! Sofi’s whining about how I don’t carry her the same way you do.” Harry pouts as he hands the youngest Cabello over to Camila.

 

“There’s no one like me.” Camila replies, sticking her tongue out at the boy. Before continuing, with her sister in her arms, “Besides, you’re not holding her right because she’s supposed to be---” Camila giggles before grabbing her sister by the waist and tipping her around so that she’s upside down, “---upside down, silly.” She shouts as Sofi laughs harder and flails around with her arms.

 

“She’s going to get brain damage.” Harry replies, arms crossed around as he leans against the wall.

 

“That explains a lot about, Karla.” Alejandro says light heartedly as he walks into the scene before him.

 

“Vamos, mis hijos.” Alejandro motions to them, Camila smiles wider as she realizes her father was including Harry. They had just finished Christmas dinner up and Sinuhe was washing the dishes quickly. She sees them going into the living room and follows them in quickly.

 

“Ready Sofi?!” Harry shouts excitedly, turning his head awkwardly to try and mimic Sofi’s position.

 

“Yes!” She flails more and Camila quickly places her down softly. “Organize the gift by person, Sofi.”

 

“Okay!” Harry helps as Sofia tries to read the names on each label, tossing the boxes and various parcels to a different pile.

 

Camila smiles at the scene and her mom and dad as they hold one another while sitting on the couch. “All done!”

 

“Go ahead then Sofi.” Sinuhe responds, taking her phone out to take pictures as the younger girl rips into her first package.

 

They all ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ at Sofi’s gifts and the girl is so involved with it that she doesn’t even realize she’s throwing her trash everywhere.

 

“Mila! Open yours too!” Sofi responds, once she looks around and sees no one else doing as she is. Camila laughs before sitting down beside her sister and grabbing her pile, motioning for Harry to do the same.

 

Harry opens his small pile of gits, having received and left the gifts from his parents in London back home. He didn’t want to intrude on the Cabello Christmas dinner and all. Camila smiles as she sees a handmade crafted glitter and sparkling glue frame from her sister with a family photo in it. Sofia sees her doing so and quickly shouts, “I made that so you wouldn’t forget about us!” Sofi smiles and immediately goes back to her own gifts. Camila has no way to respond to that without being incredibly sad or having to explain why it is that she isn’t home, so she places the gift down and continues on.

 

A few things and gift card from her parents and a little letter from Harry. She smiles as she reads through it, once again being reminded exactly why she loves Harry Styles. As she finishes so does Harry and she gets up to grab some snacks in the kitchen.

 

She sees Harry’s curly hair first and she turns to him, offering a cookie. “Careful, I think Sofi made them last night for Santa.” Harry smiles before taking it and stuffing it in his mouth. “Food is food, Mila. Even if your sister makes it.” Camila wants to respond, but the overwhelming urge to hug him takes over. She does so.

 

Just because she can.

 

“Is something wrong?” His stupid british accent makes her want to smack him.

 

“Thank you.” Is what she says instead, happy as his arms wrap around hers. He’s familiar to her. More familiar than a hug from her mother or father even is.

 

She hears someone clearing their throat. Letting go of Harry she realizes that it’s her father. Harry steals one more cookie before giving her a kiss on the cheek and exiting the room to leave Alejandro and his daughter alone.

 

“Mila.” Alejandro smiles as he looks at his daughter, who’s dressed in some casual red pants and a white sweatshirt and a bow. “Hmm?” She responds, chewing on a cookie again.

 

“I have one more thing to give you.” He steps forward, reaching into his back pocket to tug out a white envelope. Camila furrows her eyebrows in confusion before stepping forward and taking it. She flips it over and almost drops it.

 

“What?”

 

“She sent it about a week ago and your mom wanted to throw it out, but I couldn’t find it in me to throw it out. So, yeah.” He hesitates before giving her a hug, “Estoy orgulloso de ti.”  _I am so proud of you._ _  
_

 

Camila hugs back tightly, eyes tearing up as he pulls away and heads back into the living room.

 

She stares at the envelope, it’s loopy handwriting and Demi’s name where the return address is. Her own name in that same loopy handwriting. She flips it over, the seal is still tight on it and she can’t find it in herself to open it. She tucks it into the sweater pocket.

 

She doesn’t know how to act after that because there could be _anything_  in there.

 

\----------------------

 

_‘Hey!’_

 

_‘Hey!’_

 

_‘Do you think we can skype tonight?’_

 

_‘I don’t know, my whole family is over, but I’ll call you as soon as I can?’_

 

_‘Sounds good!’_ Camila sighs before tossing her phone back on the bed. She and Harry had gotten back home a few minutes ago and she told Harry about the letter, but still couldn’t find it in her to open. She just wants to talk to Lauren.

 

It’s weird having a confidant. That’s what Lauren has become, even if she hasn’t had much to worry about recently, she hasn’t even had much to _say_  about things of that matter, but somehow Lauren’s filled that position. One she didn’t even realize was void. Harry’s that person too, though.

 

She grabs her bouncy ball and goes to sit a few feet from her wall. She begins the routine of tossing it as she thinks about what everything. She realizes quickly that she’s seeing Lauren in about twenty four hours.

 

_Holy shit_.

 

She sees Lauren Michelle Jauregui tomorrow.

 

_Fuck._

 

She grabs her laptop from across the room and goes on tumblr. She first checks Lauren’s blog, a force of habit these past few months, happy when she sees that Lauren’s got a new post.

 

_‘Merry Christmas, goof. I get to see her tomorrow. I don’t know how I feel, but whatever it is is a good feeling. I don’t know, I’m trying not to think about it too much, because it’s just a lot to handle. I don’t want to be overwhelmed or anything. fjdhafldkhfsajkfhdf yep.’_ **Posted at 09:23 am by ssweet-dispositionn**

 

Camila smiles at that. She hopes Lauren’s having a good time right now. Christmas is important.

 

**Thursday, December 26th, 2013**

 

“Promise you’ll be safe?”

 

“Dad, I promise!” Lauren replies.

 

“I’ll keep her in check, Mr.J.” Normani asserts as they stand in the general area before security.

 

“You keep Manibear in check for me, Lauren?”

 

“Oh my God, mom stop.” Normani says, hugging her mom.

 

“Okay okay, off now girls. Oh, one more thing.” Michael Jauregui says before the girls leave.

 

“We, all chipped in and contacted the hotel. You guys can stay till the second of January. We took care of the extra few days.” Normani’s mom finishes. Normani’s eyes widen and Lauren covers her ears because--- “AHHHHHHH.” Normani screams.

 

“Oh my goodness, thank you!” Lauren says and hugs both her dad and Normani’s mom. Normani joins in right after.

 

“Off now, before the flight leaves.” Michael ushers them off.

 

\------------------

 

“Camila if you don’t stop shaking your leg I’m going to KILL YOU.” Harry yells as he turns down the volume of the radio.

 

“Shut up, Styles.”

 

“Oh, are you nervous?”

 

“Hardly.” Camila shoots back, a little too harshly.

 

“Mila, don’t be like that.”

 

“How’s Louis?”

 

“Oh, he’s charming really.” Harry replies immediately. He almost goes into a dreamlike state and Camila wants to tell him to pay attention to the road, but she sort of likes that he’s being like this. He’s not dating Louis either, not really. They’ve been _dating_  just going places and from what she knows, they haven’t kissed or anything since the party. In her mind, that means Harry’s serious.

 

“What’s our ETA?” Camila asks, instead.

 

“About a half hour. We’re in the city, we just need to get to our hotel.”

 

“Okay.” Camila kicks her feet up onto the dashboard and sings along to the music. She thinks about the envelope and Lauren and everything in between.

 

\----------------

 

“Are you nervous?”

 

“Nervous?”

 

“You know what I am talking about.”

 

“Nope.” Lauren shakes her head as they exit the airport to hail a cab. Hailing her first cab in New York City, the Big Apple, the City That Never Sleeps.

 

“Laur. Be honest.”

 

“Holy shit, wow.” Lauren says instead, as she looks up at the city skyline.

 

“It’s a beauty. And I know it’ll be our new home.”

 

“You sound so sure...” Lauren’s still looking up at the city.

 

“I am. We’re going to make it, Laur. I’ll come find out what my dream is... you’ll come here and knock ‘em dead. Big people belong in big places.” It’s just so _sincere_  that Lauren knows that this is the tone for their vacation. This is it. Normani’s already being emotional and just _herself_  and Lauren wants to grasp every sense and every memory she can.

 

“What’s the plan for the rest of the day?” Lauren asks after they get into the cab and give the driver their address.

 

“I don’t know, it’s only about three in the afternoon. We ate on the plane. We can go put everything in our hotel room and go out? What time is Camila getting in?” Lauren checks her messages after turning her phone back on, which she had forgotten to do previously. She’s greeted by five messages, one from her mom, one from her dad, and three from Camila.

 

She opens the ones from Camila to see that the girl has already arrived, and they’ve checked into the hotel room. “Shit.”

 

“What?”

 

“Shit shit shit.”

 

“What?”

 

“Fuck!”

 

“LAUREN!” Normani shouts, grabbing Lauren’s shoulders and making Lauren face her.

 

“She’s there.”

 

“Where?”

 

“At the hotel.”

 

“Well, shit.” Normani replies, smile stretching across her face.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

“Nope.” Lauren says shaking her head. This is why she slept the entire plane ride. She didn’t want to think about this. She’s not _ready_  for this at all.

 

“Fuck.” She swears she’s going to hyperventilate.

 

“We’re here.”

 

“FUCK!” She says again, grabbing Normani’s hand tightly. Normani hands the driver money before opening the door and guiding Lauren out and around to the trunk to grab her luggage.

 

“Breathe, Laur. Breathe.”

 

“I---” She takes a breath.

 

“Ohmygod.” Normani really really really wants to pull her phone out and record this, but she doesn’t because the girl would kill her.

 

“Where is she meeting you?”

 

“I haven---” Lauren just shakes her head, not being able to form proper words.

 

“You haven’t?” Normani grabs her bags as she repeats Lauren’s words, guiding the girl into the lobby of the hotel room to check in.

 

“No.” Lauren says. She watches as Normani leaves her to go to the check in desk and stands there dazed until the girl comes back.

 

“We’re room 1504B. So fifteenth floor.” Normani walks ahead and Lauren follows blindly.

 

Once they get up there Lauren’s too nervous to even follow Normani to the windows to look at the view of the city skyline and the busy streets.

 

“Laur?” Normani pushes.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Talk to me.”

 

“I’m nervous.”

 

“Why?”

 

“It’s Camila. I don’t know, it just feels so surreal.” Lauren replies, sighing before laying on the bed and tossing her shoes off.

 

“I bet.”

 

“I don’t even know if I should go to her room or meet her in the lobby or at a restaurant or what I have no clue I don’t even know where she is now and I haven’t texted her back I only texted my mom and dad to tell them we’re here and I just don’t know---” Normani laughs at her. She just _laughs_ at her like it’s nothing.

 

“What the fuck?” Lauren sits up again to look at her best friend.

 

“You’re just---” Normani’s still laughing, “you’re being so _lovestruck_.”

 

“Hey!” Lauren wants to be offended. Although, she realizes it’s kind of true.

 

“Just text her back, you idiot.”

 

“And say what?”

 

“That you’re here.” Normani rolls her eyes at her friend. She’s _never_  seen Lauren this flustered and it’s entirely amusing to her because she is so lovestruck like Normani had said. Whoever this girl is, Camila, she’s got a lot at stake with Lauren. Normani’s known her for longer than most people and she’s _closer_  to Lauren than most. She wants this to work out okay because she has to assume that it takes someone really special to get her this flustered.

 

“Okay.” Lauren picks up her phone, her hand almost shaking as she finds Camila’s text and types in a simple, _‘hey, I’m here.’_

 

It’s not simple. Nope, not at all, she thinks.

 

She waits anxiously, but not for long because she gets an immediate reply. _‘Okay! How about we meet in the lobby? The four of us can go grab some ice cream or something, Harry’s getting all jittery.’_

 

“Lobby, now.” Lauren says before going to the door.

 

“WAIT! NO! I HAVE TO CHANGE!” Lauren spins on her heel almost running right into Normani.

 

“Lauren, you’re fine.” Normani replies. Lauren’s in a pair of black skinny jeans and a simple white tank top with a pair of Steve Madden boots. The tank top has the XX on it. Normani turns to grab Lauren’s classic black leather jacket. “Put this on, you’ll knock her dead.”

 

“Okay, I trust you.” Lauren replies, tossing the jacket on.

 

“Wait!”

 

“What?” Lauren replies, the jacket half on her, pausing mid way.

 

“Beanie. Wear that grey beanie you own!” Normani gets excited herself because, well, _fashion_.

 

“Complete.” Normani says a moment later after looking at Lauren with the full outfit on.

 

“Okay.” The elevator ride down is a complete jittery mess for Lauren until Normani grabs her hand and squeezes it, telling her to relax a bit. Lauren nods her head and steps out of the elevator after Normani.

 

“Is that her?” Normani says, Lauren stepping beside her.

 

“Asshole.” Lauren says once she sees that Normani’s just pointing at the front desk. She spins around to ignore Normani, but once she turns the full one-eighty, she catches a glimpse of wavy brown hair stepping out of the elevator.

 

“ _Holy fuck._ ”

 

“What?” Normani turns to look at what her best friend is and she sort of gaps at the curly haired boy and the shorter girl.

 

“That’s her, isn’t it?” Lauren just nods in response. She’s just _staring_  at Camila.

 

Lauren doesn’t know what’s happening because she’s in this sort of focused, but zoned out state. She’s watching as Camila’s coming towards her, but it doesn’t feel like she’s really there because Camila looks _nothing_ like she does on skype. She’s stunning in real life.

 

“Lauren?” Camila’s mouth is stretching into a smile as she says the girl’s name. She’s _sure_  this is Lauren.

 

“Camz.” Lauren replies back, the distance between them closing.

 

“Harry?” Normani plays along.

 

“Normani!” He says back, opening his arms wide and running up to hug her as if they were old acquaintances. He picks the girl up and spins her around and Lauren and Camila aren’t even paying them any attention. The nerve, Normani thinks.

 

“Hi.” Lauren says, the nerves leaving her once Camila’s right in front of her.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Hi.” Lauren repeats again as Camila’s smiling. She’s sure there’s something like a smile on her face, but she knows that’s it’s bigger than _ever_.

 

“Hi, dork.” Camila really wants to reach out and touch Lauren because she’s right there, but she doesn’t want to freak the girl out either.

 

“Hi, jerk.”

 

“No need to be mean.” Lauren hadn’t realized before, on Skype, how much she wanted to just _kiss_  Camila because her _lips_  are right there and she’s being all witty just like they always are, but she’s _here_  now.

 

“Before you guys start making out, can we go get some ice cream?” Harry interjects. Camila wants to slap him and his stupid winter ice cream craze.

 

Normani and Harry walk off first, Lauren and Camila just straying a few feet behind.

 

Camila keeps Lauren in her peripherals because she really just wants to stare at the girl because _those green eyes_ are just  _stunning_. She thinks it’s a bit like what looking at a pure color. It changes with the light and Lauren’s eyes are something she knows she won’t ever get used to.

 

The silence between them isn’t awkward, but it’s not comfortable either. It’s the sort of silence that’s meant to be broken.

 

“Hi.”

 

“I think we may need to ban that word.” Lauren replies, smiling, her hand bumping into Camila’s as they walk.

 

“You started it, dork.”

 

“Did not.”

 

“Did to.”

 

“Children!” Harry calls back, causing Normani to laugh in response.

 

“Stop eavesdropping!”

 

“You guys are cute.”

 

“Harry and I?” Camila responds pointing between them as they walk.

 

“No, you and the invisible man.”

 

“I wish Harry was invisible.”

 

“Oi!” Harry calls back once again. Lauren laughs at that, they turn a corner and Camila drifts closer to her.

 

Lauren pulls the courage she didn’t have earlier today out of nowhere and forces herself to grab Camila’s hand next time it bumps into hers. She doesn’t say anything, but smiles to herself when Camila’s cold hand squeezes her own lightly.

 

“I FOUND ICE CREAM!” Harry yells triumphantly, causing busy New Yorkers around them to look over.

 

Harry rushes in and goes straight up to the counter. Lauren moves to let go of Camila’s hand to hold the door open for them, but Camila tugs her into the ice cream shoppe and continues to hold her hand.

 

“What’s with him and ice-cream?” Normani asks Camila trying to whisper.

 

“He’s got a weird craving thing. He always craves ice-cream during the winter.” Normani glances at their hands as Camila’s talking and tries suppress a sequel

 

“Oi, don’t talk about me behind my back.”

 

“Shut up, Styles.”

 

Lauren wants to be jealous, but just like before, she’s focused on imprinting this into her brain. Camila’s hand just really _fits_  into hers.

 

“Do you guys want anything?” Harry directs his question towards the two Miami natives.

 

“I’m alright.”

 

“Same.” Normani agrees with her.

 

“Hey, Normani, you like fashion, don’t you?” Normani nods her head furiously at Harry’s question.

 

“Great! I actually have someone I want you to meet. Mila, you mind keeping Lauren company?” Camila wants to punch him because this is obviously a ploy of some sort.

 

“I guess.”

 

“Why don’t I get a say? She’s going to murder me. Stranger danger!” Lauren says, letting go of Camila’s hand dramatically. Camila instinctually goes to find Lauren’s hand again and when she does she says, “That plan to kill you starts now, bye have fun!” Camila drags Lauren out of the shoppe, semi running in her converses the short walk back to the hotel. She’s giggling really hard when they enter back in because they’ve ran into at least three people and angry New Yorkers paired with a laughing Lauren is enough to make her this way.

 

“You’re psychotic.”

 

“Probably.” Camila replies. Standing up fully and grabbing Lauren’s other hand, she tugs in her and Lauren’s body _collapses_ into hers. She’s resisted doing this from the get-go and she’s had enough.

 

She let’s Lauren collapse into her because she’s right _there_  with her. She realizes the importance of this moment because it’s their first hug and that’s special, but she’s unable to clearly form words because Lauren’s hands have let go of hers and they’re wrapped around her neck and Camila’s own mimic her position around the older girl’s waist. Lauren’s just _warm_. She’s _warm_  and she’s _firm_  and Camila’s sure that this has to be odd because she’s _never_  fit anyone like this. Not even Ariana, not even Demi.

 

Lauren’s thinking is much the same.

 

Maybe it’s a bit odd that they’ve been hugging so long, a hug which could ultimately look familiar to a bystander. But this isn’t familiar, not at all. Camila’s struck with the urge to stay just like this because of everything she’s already thought about the girl and so much more. She remembers thinking that Lauren’s smile is bright and now she thinks her hug is _warm_. A part of her wants to make a joke about it being because she’s from Miami.

 

Lauren’s arms tighten around Camila’s upper body before she pulls away, not distancing her full body, but just moving so that her neck and head are leaning back to look into Camila’s brown eyes.

 

“Hi.” Lauren smiles at Camila.

 

“How was your day?” The green eyed girl asks, almost whispering it because of their close proximity.

 

“How _is_  my day?”

 

“Don’t be a smartass.” Again, Lauren’s overtaken with the urge to kiss Camila, but she doesn’t. Instead she shuts her eyes tight before opening them again, almost like she can blink away the sight of Camila. She can’t. She doesn’t know why she had tried. She doesn’t want to.

 

“It’s been good. I met this girl.”

 

“This girl?” Not a single move.

 

“She’s really pretty.”

 

“I’m jealous.” Camila replies.

 

“It’s you, Camz.” She pulls it out of nowhere once again, but she thanks her lucky stars because seeing Camila blush when she’s _this_  close is the perfect reward. Camila ducks her head as if to escape Lauren’s piercing eyes, but ends up leaning the crown of her head against Lauren’s jaw. Lauren smiles and pulls Camila back into the hug, allowing the younger girl to rest her chin on her shoulder.

 

“Can we stay like this?” Camila turns so that she’s speaking right into Lauren’s ear and the chill that runs through her is felt by Camila immediately. She smirks internally.

 

“I think people are staring.”

 

“Let them.”

 

“I paid for a perfectly good room.”

 

“You have to take me to dinner first, silly.” Camila replies, leaning back to wink at Lauren. Lauren laughs.

 

“Let’s head up, we’ve got some time before those two come back.” Camila nods in response.

 

The ride up in the elevator is quiet, Lauren holding Camila’s hand like before. She takes her keycard out and enters the room, Camila following her in in silence.

 

“You’ve got a great view.” Camila says once she enters the room heading to the exact space that Normani had went to when they entered the double bed room.

 

“Mhm.” Lauren says, following Camila and standing behind her. She doesn’t know where it comes from or why she does it or what in her brain didn’t stop her, but she slips her hands around Camila’s waist and holds her from behind.

 

Feeling Camila lean back into her allows her to breathe, which is odd because she hadn’t even realized she was holding her breath.

 

Her brain is catching up to her and it’s telling her that this is _too intimate_  for a first day together, but she argues back by thinking that they’ve spent _months_ getting here.

 

They stand like that for awhile, Lauren looking off at the sight before her, content to feel Camila in her arms like this. She adores the way they fit together.

 

“Are you okay?” Lauren asks suddenly, startling Camila a little bit.

 

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“Last night, before I totally crashed on you you sounded a bit upset.” Camila thinks back to the night before, when she had actually gotten little to no sleep and stayed up listening to various artists while trying to write her thoughts down. She didn’t succeed.

 

“I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“It can wait, it’s not that pressing.” Camila responds, turning around in Lauren’s arms to wrap her arms around the girl’s neck, like Lauren had been with her before.

 

“What was it about?”

 

“Something my dad gave me the other night.” Camila mumbles, eyes flashing between Lauren’s eyes and lips.

 

“Oh yeah?” Lauren responds, completely distracted because she’s watching Camila’s eyes flicker.

 

“Mhm.” Camila mumbles back. She _wants_  to kiss Lauren, but she doesn’t know if this is okay or not.

 

“Whatcha thinking?” Lauren mumbles, unconsciously leaning forward.

 

“I want to kiss you.” She blames how zoned out she is for saying it, but she knows it’s the lack of a gutter as well.

 

“Then do it.” Lauren ushers on.

 

Camila doesn’t make a move right away, instead she continues to allow herself to take in the moment. Doesn’t let the moment rush her. She leans forward when she feels the tension rise and her lips are _touching_  Lauren’s and it’s _soft_ and as her lips begin to move against Lauren’s own and it goes from _soft_ to _hot_  in 0.02 seconds. She swears she can’t even find the words to describe it because Lauren’s just so _Lauren_  like Camila can just _taste_  her in the kiss.  

 

And that’s the thing, Camila realizes, just like before with Ariana, she can’t _describe_ Lauren.

 

**Friday, December 27th, 2013**

 

“Hardly! If you come to NYU, I’ll definitely get to show you around!” Ally replies to Normani’s worries about getting around the city.

 

Six of them sit at a table at a local diner, apparently one of the college favorites. Harry and Normani demanded that the other two girls were to come out of the hotel room for the morning and have breakfast with one of Harry’s old friends, the friend that Harry had introduced Normani to the day before.

 

“You’ll have to show us all around, actually.” Lauren replies.

 

“Are you planning on coming up here too?” Dinah asks, in place of Ally due to her side conversation with Normani. Dinah is Ally’s friend from NYU that she thought Normani and Harry would get along with. The six friends have meshed together well so far.

 

“Yeah, hopefully we’ll all end up here.”

 

“I’m going to have to transfer.” Harry says, thinking about his time at Boston College.

 

“Nope, you’ve got Louis to worry about.” Camila teases lightly.

 

“Whatever, you and your girlfriend have this to look forward too.” He replies, making both girls blush because of the title.

 

“We’re not together...” Camila mumbles, causing Lauren to frown, “...yet.”

 

“What are you guys doing tonight?” Ally asks after she smiles at the interaction between the two girls.

 

“I was hoping to catch a broadway show. Maybe Lion King.”

 

“Oh! I have two extra tickets to that!” Ally replies immediately, smiling at Normani.

 

“Really? What am I supposed to do?” Harry pouts a bit.

 

“Go find a bar.” Camila injects, leaning across the table to rub his head.

 

“Ouch.” Dinah says making a face and causing everyone to laugh.

 

“What are you guys going to do?” Harry asks.

 

“I was hoping to actually just grab dinner with Lauren.” Camila mumbles, a bit mad that she didn’t get to ask Lauren properly.

 

Lauren notices this and leans into Camila’s side to whisper, “Go on a date with me tonight?” Camila noticeably flushes and nods her head furiously as Lauren backs away.

 

“Fine, but tomorrow we’re all going out together.” Camila just nods in agreement.

 

\-------------------

 

“I can’t believe you!”

 

“What? I told you I love pizza!”

 

“You went back and complimented the chef, who ended up being some teenager.” Lauren’s stumbling through her words, the laugher overtaking her.

 

“He’s just honing his craft at a young age.” Camila replies, swinging their intertwined hands back and forth. The cold bites at them and Lauren instinctually shivers. She’s only used to the Miami heat. Camila notices and tucks Lauren’s ungloved intertwined fingers into her jacket pocket.

 

“Hey, we’re almost back at the hotel. Come up to my room this time?” Camila asks lightly.

 

“Sure, but can I go grab pinky?” Lauren replies.

 

“Mhm, go ahead and change too, if you want...” In truth, Lauren’s stunning in everything, even now in regular black dress with a matching jacket and heels Lauren’s beautiful, but Camila just wants to cuddle like they did last night and that, wait, no. “Don’t change!” Camila shouts after thinking for an instant.

 

“Alright?” Lauren replies.

 

They head their separate ways once Camila gets off at the twelfth floor. Camila hurries to her room and throws everything into drawers before grabbing an extra pair of her sweats and setting them on her bed. She smiles internally at her thought from before.

 

Quickly, she writes a note and shoves it into the pocket of the sweatpants.

 

There’s a knock at her door as she’s pulling a shirt over her head She doesn’t bother to check her hair or anything as she opens the door for Lauren.

 

“Hi.” She greets with a smile.

 

“Why do you get to change and I don’t?”

 

“Here.” Camila responds, grabbing the sweatpants and baby blue t-shirt to Lauren.

 

Lauren looks at her questioningly until she realizes that Camila wants her to change into her clothes. _Oh._  She smiles and leans forward to give Camila a peck on the lips before heading to the en suite bathroom.

 

As she’s putting on the clothes she’s thinking about the fact that Camila literally asked her not to change just to make sure Lauren got to wear some of Camila’s clothes. Something about that, and the fact that these are Camila’s makes Lauren want to tackle the girl. As she’s pulling the shirt over her head she realizes that it just _smells_ like Camila. Smiling, she exits the bathroom to find Camila sitting on the bed.

 

She goes to sit beside her, their backs against the headboard.

“What’s that?” The older girl asks as she spots the envelope in Camila’s hand.

 

“This is a letter.”

 

“A letter?”

 

“This is the thing I wanted to talk to you about, well, sort of.” Camila responds, still staring at the envelope rather than looking at Lauren.

 

“Take your time.” Lauren responds. She doesn’t make a move to make any physical contact with Camila or even make her look at her. This is obviously something that’s taken Camila a while to bring up, so she can’t rush it.

 

“It’s from Demi. My dad gave it to me on Christmas saying she had sent it to their house a week before.” Camila’s mumbling, her voice is low and heavy. “I wanted to tell you about Demi before any of this--” She motions between them, “goes any further.”

 

Lauren remembers the text post from Tumblr. _I know you may hate the things I tell you, but I doubt that because I’ve already learned so much about you and I know I couldn’t hate you._  She realizes the importance of this quickly.

 

“Demi is someone I met while at the institute.” Camila wants to make this easy to understand, she wants to say this the right way so that Lauren gets it because Lauren _has to get this._

 

“I went in hating everything, like I told you. I was about ready to self destruct---” Breathe. “I struggled a lot and got moved around a lot groupwise, they say that that’s normal because you have to be comfortable with people in order to recover. You have to find a group you connect with.” Tessa, Emily, and Demi.

 

“After a week of moving around, they placed me in a group with three other girls, one of the much smaller groups. Demi was in it.” Breathe in. Out. In. Out. Don’t let this hurt. “Demi had been there for almost six months, which is apparently a while there. She wasn’t---” She doesn’t know how to explain this properly, it’s infuriating to her. “She wasn’t like a regular patient, she was one of the older mentors, really.” Demi had transitioned from a patient to one of the people who helped and volunteered. For some reason, a reason unbeknownst to Camila, even now, Demi had stay and transitioned into that position.

 

“So our group, we had a facilitator of sorts, but Demi was the one to lead a lot of the conversations and meditations with Tessa and Emily and I.” Fuck, it hurts her to think about the three of them, even now. She fidgets with the ends of the envelope. “I don’t know how or when it happened, but I started to speak to Demi a lot, one on one, and I just--- she wasn’t, she _isn't_ someone you can just talk to and not thinking about.”

 

“I---” Camila doesn’t know when her eyes welled up like this either, but she wants to curse her tears, she forges on instead because she’s found it in her to start talking about this and Lauren deserves to know everything before she dives into whatever this is.

 

“I fell for her.” Four words. Lauren remembers the _ache_  she felt that first time Camila told her anything pertaining to this and she doesn’t think it compares to the strong palpitations of her heart right now and the incredible physical need she feels to cover Camila up and hold her till this all goes away, till the memories the younger girl is feeling dissipates.

 

Lauren lays down on her side and motions for Camila to follow, once she does she wraps her arms around her and folds her body around Camila’s, hoping Camila understands the comfort she’s trying to provide.

 

When Camila continues a few moments later, Lauren knows she’s succeeded. “Demi had brown eyes, she had brown eyes and messy brown hair and----” Camila shouldn’t be saying this to a girl that may be her future girlfriend, but she feels like she has to be honest, this is honest, “I could tell that she has a lot more to her than she’s ever told me, but she was someone I felt like I connected with so intimately...” Camila blinks and a few tears betray her and she’s glad Lauren’s behind her and can’t see them fall.

 

Camila allows her hands to rest over Lauren’s own resting on her stomach. “She is strong, the kind of person you could tell had worked hard to be better and succeeded.”

 

“One day---” Another tear and another and another.

 

“One day I kissed her and even right now I couldn’t tell you how or why I did it, but I did and she--- and she kissed back.” Lauren’s arms tighten around her and Camila lets a small whimper out as the tears continue to fall.

 

“And it never got further than that because she--she was just gone.” Lauren lets her hands unclasp and she grabs Camila’s hips and she softly presses her fingers into them and guides Camila gently into turning around. The red eyes and the tear tracks running down her cheeks have pressed into the forefront of Lauren’s mind and she doesn’t think she’ll forget that image, but she’s got Camila in her arms, and the girl’s face is tucked into the space of her neck and collarbone.

 

Lauren realizes that Camila’s never had closure. Camila’s never had the closure she needed or wanted and that makes her _hate_  this girl that she’s never even met. She holds Camila’s body tightly to her and as she feels more wet tears trailing down her own neck she thinks about what to do for Camila.

 

“Camz.” Lauren whispers into the girl’s ear. Camila shakes a little before lifting her head slightly.

 

“I’m right here, okay? Open that letter.” Lauren says, leaning over Camila’s body to grab it.

 

Camila shakes her head ‘no’ and Lauren wants to give up right then, but she doesn’t because she knows that Camila didn’t just come to her because she thought Lauren deserved the truth. Lauren thinks that, and hopes that it’s because Camila trusted Lauren to help her. To be there for her like Camila would for her.

 

“Please, love?” It’s the first time that name has come out, but it’s the sort of situation that requires a certain amount of intimacy and Lauren wants to provide that for Camila.

 

Her hand lifts to wipe away one stray tear before dropping the envelope in Camila’s hand. Camila kisses Lauren’s thumb when it brushes past her lips and Lauren just wants to _cry_  because she’s never felt so heavy and light at the same time.

 

Camila’s hands are shaking and Lauren rests her hand on Camila’s elbow to steady her.

 

As Camila’s threading her fingers through the paper of the envelope to open it she pauses for a second to look up at Lauren, “don’t go anywhere.”

 

Lauren doesn’t respond vocally, instead she just nods as Camila goes back to opening the envelope.

 

The letter comes out easily enough. One page, back and front. Lauren watches as Camila’s eyes scan the page and read line by line. She waits, anxiously as Camila’s tears begin to fall again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowowowow okay sorry
> 
> hi
> 
> hi
> 
> it's late i'm tired i have class in a few hours
> 
> okay bye.
> 
> ps. hi nouf, hi marina, don't kill me, but give me my very detailed review because this shit was long
> 
> pss. lane i'm so proud of you 


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

 

**Friday, December 27th, 2013 (continued)**

 

The letter comes out easily enough. One page, back and front. Lauren watches as Camila’s eyes scan the page and read line by line. She waits, anxiously as Camila’s tears begin to fall again.

 

“Camz?” Lauren says once Camila places the letter back down and the sobs wracking her body take over.

 

Camila doesn’t reply right away, instead she turns so that her face is tucked into Lauren’s neck and tears strike Lauren’s own skin and burns like nothing the older girl has ever felt before.

 

She wraps her arms tightly around Camila and hopes that this is enough. She hopes that she can provide whatever Camila needs in this moment because she just wants to _be here_  and not make this into something it doesn’t need to be. Camila trusts her and she doesn’t feel like it’s a heavy burden, she feels like it’s light and fleeting and she wants to make sure it doesn’t leave.

 

Camila shuts her eyes tight and attempts to make the tears stop because she doesn’t want to cry anymore. She doesn’t want to cry and feel like she’s vulnerable, but she knows that the walls she’s built around herself aren’t needed anymore----It’s not rational, the younger girl understands that much.

 

She’s only known Lauren for a few months, and this is their first amount (second day) of being _together_. She wants to say that the distance has made the bond genuine due to the lack of _actual_  contact, but her brain isn’t functioning to it’s fullest extent. All she knows is that Lauren’s arms feel a lot like the wall she’s torn down to let Lauren in. Does that mean Lauren’s now her protector? No. She wants to say no.

 

Lauren’s not her protector. Camila _isn't_  vulnerable. She is not the kind of girl who needs saving. Lauren’s _there_  for her. Camila can be her own knight, her own prince, her own savior, but Lauren’s like the castle. Lauren’s strong and resilient and dependable. She could live inside the castle forever and be okay.

 

The Miami native recognizes the tears have calmed and she can’t help but wonder what exactly made it better, she hopes it’s her, but as she’s about to say something Camila’s leaning back to look into her eyes, head resting on the pillow, hair splayed messily.

 

There’s a silence that hangs in the air almost comfortably. Lauren dares not break it for fear that she’ll shatter it. Her hand goes up and she removes a stray strand of hair that’s fallen over Camila’s right eye. She brushes her thumb over the girl’s cheek as to blaze a trail with it through the delicate ones left by the tears.

 

She wants to say something, but she doesn’t feel like anything she can say would be enough, but she also knows that she _can't_  kiss Camila right now. She _wants to_ more than anything, because to her, it’s the ultimate sign of intimacy. She won’t kiss Camila because right now, in that instance, there’s a lot to think about. She doesn’t _want_  to completely siderail Camila’s thoughts with her own need to feel Camila.

 

She doesn’t want to be that girl that makes everything about themselves. God, she may not have been in a serious relationship before, but she knows by her nature that she falls fast and she falls deep. It’s her character and Lauren doesn’t need anyone to come along and prove that, but she has a feeling Camila _already has_.

 

“She said---” Camila sighs out, noticing Lauren’s dazed look, attempting to recapture her attention and let this all out. Because, once again, Camila’s an intuitively a trusting person.

 

“She wrote that----” Camila stops again, trying to compose herself, but instead of doing that, she just hands over the letter. Lauren grasps it gingerly, trying not to frey the edges or crumple it up. It doesn’t belong to her, she shouldn’t do those things.

 

Flipping it over to the start of it she begins to read, noticing the handwritten nature and Demi’s loopy letters.

 

 

> _‘Dear Camila,_
> 
> _I know this is long overdue. I’m so sorry for that. I owe you a lot of explanations, but first, I owe you an apology. Camila, I’m so sorry for leaving you, I’m sorry I didn’t stay. I’m sorry I didn’t do all of the things I knew I should have._
> 
> _I hope you’re well. I checked up with the institute and I know you checked out not too soon after I left. I’m glad that you did because you were already fully ‘recovered’ before everything happened._
> 
> _That leads to why I left._
> 
> _I left because of you._
> 
> _Please continue reading, don’t toss this out. I want to explain this in the best way possible, Mila. I know you know I stayed there for longer than most and it wasn’t because I was struggling, but I don’t think you know why I stayed. I stayed because I couldn’t let go. I was ready to move on and back into the world, but I was scared of it all. I had an attachment to that place because it became my sanctuary._
> 
> _When you kissed me, I kiss back. That night, I sat in bed and tried to come up with reasons as to why it felt so full and how that was the first real intimate and physical contact I had had with anyone for almost half a year._
> 
> _I know this might sound like bull-shit to you, but please, please believe me. You gave me the reality check I needed to get out of there. You made me want to face the real world again._
> 
> _A part of me knew that you’d be okay because you’re stronger than I ever was at that age and that level. Sure, we had different problems, different backgrounds, but believe me when I say that I felt something with you. I just couldn’t be there and do that without going back into the world. I left that night, after speaking to Andy and started rebuilding the relationships I left so sour beforehand._
> 
> _I left you. I’m sorry for that. But you also needed to understand that you don’t need anyone to be happy. That I wasn’t a part of your recovery, that I didn’t and wasn’t the reason why you recovered. That was all on you and I’m so proud that you made it through.’_

 

Lauren flips the the letter over and takes a breath as she reads the next side. She doesn’t want to think about how she feels right now, she just wants to make it through this for Camila.

 

 

> _‘I know my word means nothing to you. I understand that. I get that you may never trust me again. I just wanted to send this letter to tell you that I’m sorry, sorry for so many things._
> 
> _Remember how you asked me to sing for you that one time? And you told me I was good enough to be an arist, a real one? I forgot to mention that I already was signed, before I went to rehab. No one big, but I’m heading to LA and maybe NYC soon to start promoting everything._
> 
> _I know you said you’d always wanted to go to Columbia for school. I hope I see you around._
> 
> _Camila, you’re incredible. Even if you never speak to me again, please, understand that you’re incredible and that no one can measure you like yourself. I hope you’ve found someone who’ll treat you better than I ever could. I hope she’s someone that matches your pace and makes you brighter. If you haven’t found her yet, I know you will._
> 
> _One more thing, don’t let the passion I could feel simmering inside you burn out._
> 
> _Dearest Friend,_

> _Demi Lovato.’_

 

Lauren doesn’t know what to do about this. She doesn’t even know how to properly process this because she feels as though she’s _i_ _ntruding_  upon whatever this is and it’s _numbing_.

She places the letter down and looks at Camila, who had been staring at her the entire time, waiting for her to finish, waiting for _anything_.

“Are you okay?” Is all Lauren can come up with and she feels a bit like she’s failed because she just doesn’t know what to do.

“I don’t know.” Camila responds.

Lauren opts to lean forward slightly to kiss Camila’s forehead. She needs some sort of contact. Something she hadn’t realized before, is that she’s a tactile person. She _needs_  Camila’s touch. She’s spent the last day and a half /always/ in close proximity to the younger girl and she thought it was attraction at first, but it extends further than that, much deeper.

“Talk it out with me?” She offers after pulling back.

“I don’t know where to start.”

“What’re you thinking right now, exactly?” Lauren supplies.

“I wish I brought my bouncy ball.” It should sting because that’s what her and Demi and Tessa, and Emily used to do, but it doesn’t. She just needs a motion to help her focus.

“I don’t have one of those, but how about I give you pinky?” The older girl has no idea how pinky will help, but maybe the little pieces of ‘hair’ on it will be enough to give Camila focus.

Camila only nods.

Lauren turns around slightly to reach behind her to grab the pink pig she had brought up earlier. Handing it over, Camila takes it and shoves it between their bodies, where their abdomens are. Lauren smiles as Camila starts pulling at the little ‘hair’s.

“Try again?” Lauren asks, gently.

Camila sighs before concentrating on the pink hairs and the letter. She thinks about Demi and their past. She thinks about the contents of the letter and _everything_  Demi said. “I’m not mad at her. I don’t think I ever---” She hesitates because it sounds heavy in her mouth and it feels heavy altogether. 

 

“I don’t think I ever was.” Lauren lays her hand on Camila’s hip, contact. Support.

 

“How’re you feeling now, though?”

 

“It’s closure, sort of.” Camila thinks, hoping that Lauren’s not feeling like she has to _compete_  with Demi. She doesn’t want her past to overwhelm her future, not at the risk of losing something that finally feels _good_.

 

“Sort of?”

 

“I can’t---I can’t just read it and pretend that I get it fully because I don’t. I don’t think I ever will. I can’t be angry either because that’s the sort of anger that wastes away at pieces of your life and I learned not to do that, I can’t regret things because they linger and they hang there and they just _haunt_  you.” Camila hadn’t realized how much she had said and how her face had contorted as she spoke, but she’s still combing her fingers through Pinky’s ‘fur.’

 

Lauren remembers her favorite post of Camila’s, “Love is the only unknown humans do not fear. I do not fear love, I fear the outcome of love. I want to feel love and have it engulf me, but why when the loss of it is so painful?” It all makes so much /sense/ now.

 

“That post, awhile back, about not fearing love, but the loss of it, she’s the first person you’ve lost like that, wasn’t she?” Lauren asks without thinking about the consequences, her thoughts and questions hang too low for her to not toss them out.

 

“You have a crazy memory.” Camila says, pausing her activity to look at Lauren. She almost loses all of her thoughts then, because Lauren’s looking down at her face and those green eyes just look so _worried_  and for the billionth time in the past day and a half Camila swears the green has changed shades. Refocusing herself by looking back down at pinky she says, “It was about her, yeah.”

 

“I’m sorry, Camz.”

 

“Why are you sorry?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Don’t be.” Camila replies. She wants to say that she’s realizing some people are worth the risk of a broken heart, but she thinks that that’s heavier than what’s necessary right now. She’ll post that later.

 

“You know something?” Camila asks, a few seconds later.

 

“I know a lot of things.” Lauren answers, glad to see a smile adorning the younger girl’s face, the mood lightening a little.

 

“Seriously, Lo.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Lauren replies, tightening her hold on Camila’s waist a little as if to say, she’s here, she’s focused.

 

“I feel safe right here.” Camila says. It’s a reiteration of what she had thought before, about Lauren being the castle walls and she knows, especially after reading Demi’s letter, that she doesn’t need anyone besides herself, but Lauren _does_ make her feel safe.

 

She knows this would have been different with Harry here or anyone else with her. Harry would have been patient, he would have held her, he would have been _Harry_ , but Lauren’s Lauren. Lauren the person she wants to have next to her when she’s sad or unhappy or even when she _is_  happy. She wants Lauren with her like she has been for this past day and a half. The thought of that completely _r_ _uins_  her.

 

It ruins all notions of stability she’s ever had about Lauren.

 

It ruins the thought that she could stay in this simple state of in between.

 

 _She can’t_.

 

“I’m glad, I know---” Lauren gathers after she’s allowed herself to absorb Camila’s words. “I’m glad and I know I’ve never been through these things like you have, I know that I’ll never be able to understand and that I won’t be able to actually help in any way when it comes to it, but---” She thinks hard about what she should say, “I’m happy I make you safe because I know that that’s important, but I’ll be here to continue to do that. It’s okay not to be okay.”

 

Camila doesn’t know what she did before to deserve this or what she needs to do to make up for it because this isn’t anything she ever thought she’d get. Lauren thinks that because she’s had no prior /experience/ it means she’ll be no help, but that isn’t the case and the girl just proved that. Lauren just proved that and she doesn’t even realize it.

 

“Do you realize how special you are?” Camila asks, almost in awe. She allows her hand to move to Lauren’s resting on her hip. She intertwines their fingers, her palm to the top of Lauren’s hand.

  

When Lauren doesn’t respond Camila frowns slightly. “You don’t have to be someone who’s had a rough history, you don’t have to be someone who’s had a bad life, Lo. I know you’ve never been with someone before and I’ve never asked if you’ve ever fallen for anyone, and I don’t want to know because that might kill me a bit, but in the past few months you’ve done more for me than you’ve realized. You aren’t just _there_  for me. You made me better. Made me think more, made me question myself, you’ve made me a bit better and every conversation has something new, something worth smiling at.” Camila smiles because Lauren is now, “You don’t have to be like me to be _r_ _ight_  for someone like me.” Camila has no idea if that makes sense or not, but she hopes it does because that’s the best way she can phrase it.

 

 _Lauren kisses her_.

That’s it.

It’s nothing like the previous kisses.

It’s absolutely nothing like them because this one has _something_   _akin_ to how Camila imagines  _t_ _rust_  to taste like and it’s bittersweet on her lips because she knows this is the end of Demi and the beginning of Lauren.

\-----------

 

_'Some people are worth risking everything for. You find them, they knock you off your feet and you're left wondering when you learned how to fly and how you ever got there. She's like that. She's like that and sometimes it feels like I'm flying because it's just so **light**.' _ **Posted at 11:43pm by waakeme-up.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter in the sense that it's one day (a continuation of the last day from the last chapter)
> 
> I wanted to get this out for suspense reasons and so I could fully focus on the next few chapters. I hope this lives up to everything you've expected, there's obviously much more to come. 
> 
> Message me (heartsbeattho), comment, leave a kudo, do all three, be awesome, eat cake, eat oreos, i love you. Also go read things by Nouf and Marina. (I update if I get reviews that's how I operate, so feed the machine). 
> 
> Also my girlfriend is on the news saturday because she's fuckin rad.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

 

**Saturday, December 28th, 2013**

 

Lauren wakes up to Camila tucked into her side. It takes awhile for her eyes to adjust to the sliver of light sneaking in through the window, but when she does she also realizes that Normani isn’t in the room.

 

First, worry settles in, but then she calms down as she realizes that Camila more than likely can hear her heart ricocheting and she smiles at that because maybe Camila should hear it. She wishes she could.

 

It’s nearly ten in the morning and Lauren just wants to stay here forever. Forever right here because; ” _You don’t have to be like me to be right for someone like me.”_  It echoes in her head and she swears she woke up hearing it.

 

She feels _justified_. She feels like she’s tied onto Camila somehow now because things are just _working_  in the best way possible. They’ve spoken about it and it’s behind them and it’s not that it’s a relief to Lauren that Camila’s being honest, it’s like she’s holding onto something that used to weigh Camila down and it’s just something she’ll place into a corner of her mind classified under, ‘Why Camila Cabello is the way she is.’

 

And that’s okay. It’s not that she’s dismissing it, she realizes. She’d never dismiss any part of Camila because you don’t do that with _people_. She’d never do that with Normani. She’d never dare tuck away parts of anyone because how do you do that and expect to get a full picture of anyone? No, she thinks, she could never do that.

 

Then, there’s the topic of Demi. Demi who stole Camila’s heart and ran away with it. She had fallen asleep last night listening to Camila’s breathing and hoping she was resting alright. That with Pinky resting beside them and Lauren’s chest as Camila’s pillow, Camila wouldn’t have nightmares. She thought about everything Camila had said and hadn’t said, she thought about all that Demi had written, especially the part about being in New York soon.

 

She doesn’t know if she should be worried about competing with Demi, but she knows she’ll never give Camila up, not after the past few days. She couldn’t.

 

The Miami native looks down at Camila, her hair mussed in a disastrous way and she wonders what goes on behind brown eyes. They begin to flutter and she’s convinced that Camila’s able to read her mind because soon after that the younger girl is stretching her limbs and looking up at Lauren tiredly.

 

“Hi.” Soft smile.

 

“Hey there.” Lauren replies, attempting to memorize this.

 

“Hi.” Camila repeats again, eyes shutting for a few moments as if to wipe away or gather all the sleepiness she has. Lauren doesn’t know if she wishes it away  or if she wants to hold this moment because the light brown hue of Camila’s eyes and the way she’s tucking her arms and legs back into Lauren’s makes her feel like she should stay and never get up.

 

“Hi, silly.”

 

“I liked Camz, better.” Camila mumbles, tucking her head into the crevice of Lauren’s neck, drowsiness sweeping over as she kisses the skin right in front of her.

 

Lauren smiles, wider than before and leans her head down to kiss the crown of Camila’s head. It’s intimate, this is intimate. Something she never let herself imagine, but now that’s she’s had a taste of it she never wants it to go away. She will _never_  want the absence of this. She promises herself that even when they fight, God forbid, she’d never leave it open so that they both suffer without the presence of one another.

 

She doesn’t realize yet that those times will be difficult, but she’s unreasonably stubborn and her mind is set. She’ll never walk out on something she wants, especially when that something is one Camila Cabello.

 

\-------------

 

“You’re late.”

 

“So what.” Lauren replies.

 

“Whatever, I need coffee.” Harry interjects before the best friend’s could go at one another’s throats.

 

“Brunch, it is.” Ally says, sliding her sunglasses on before tucking her arm into the crook of Normani’s and beginning the trek outside the hotel and into the cold air.

 

“Where’s Dinah?” Camila asks.

 

“She went home to see her bothang.” Normani replies.

 

“What are we doing tonight?”

 

“We’re forcing you lovebirds out and we’re going to run around Time Square like the tourists we are.” Harry says, looping his arm into Camila’s and kissing her cheek. “I’ve missed you, darling.” He’s grinning as Camila smiles back and Lauren isn’t even jealous anymore. Camila may not be her’s in title, but she already knows they’re going to be. She should work on that, getting the Camila to be her girlfriend thing.

 

“Speak for yourself. This is going to be our home.” Normani replies.

 

“This is my home.” Ally mumbles.

 

“What happened to the church going good girl I used to know and love?” Harry asks her, laughing as Ally flips him her middle finger. “I grew up and you came to town. I can’t stay sober around you, Styles. Your gay hurts me.”

 

“Ouch! I think you’ve got a little gay too, my love.” He bites back, looking between Normani and the girl.

 

“Not everyone you touch turns gay, Styles.” Lauren injects because her best friend is turning red and she’s sure it’s not because of the bitter cold, but it’s amusing because Normani Hamilton is never shy. Never.

 

“Can we skip to the part where we eat?” Camila mumbles out, turning to look at Lauren before smiling.

 

“Did you guys have sex or something, you’re practically glowing.” Harry observes, smirking as Lauren blushes.

 

“No, we don’t have to do it to be happy, idiot.” Camila replies, letting go of his arm and shoving him forward towards Normani and Ally.

 

“But, I wouldn’t mind it if we did.” Lauren leans in to whisper into Camila’s ear and the white heat reverberates down her body and rested at her core and _what the hell_ was that?!

 

“We’re here!” Ally giddily says as they she pulls open the door of a restaurant.

 

Camila will deal with Lauren later.

 

\--------------------

 

_“We went to Time Square tonight. It was gorgeous, but the better part of this story is how she looked at everything. The way she took it in, it’s a bit breathtaking. That smile I mentioned before; I didn’t think it could get any bigger, but it did. I know this city, filled with it’s awe and wonder and beautiful lights is where I need to be next fall. I know she feels the same. The bigger bonus is that we get each other if it works out._

 

_I want to come back here next year and think that I’ve got the perfect place and the perfect smile with me. That way I’m not just living in the best place ever, I’m the luckiest person ever. She means alot to me and it’s only been a few months, only a few days in person. How did this happen?_

 

_Funny thing is? I don’t hate a single bit of it.”_ **Posted at 11:43pm by waakeme-up**

 

\---------------

 

**Monday, December 30th, 2013**

 

“Do you know what today is?”

 

“Should I?”

 

“Today is New Year’s Eve Eve!” Ally yells as she jumps up and down on Normani’s bed.

 

“Get off. I hate that you’re an early bird.”

 

“I hate that you don’t wake up happy.”

 

“Shut up!” Lauren throws the pillow across the room and it hits Ally in the face instead of Normani, she huffs before burying her face back into her pillow.

 

“She’s such a grump.”

 

“Have you slept in your bed at all?” Ally asks Camila.

 

“No.” Normani answers for her. They laugh as the two girls bury their faces beneath the blanket, hiding away from the noise the other two are making.

 

Camila sighs as she looks at Lauren, she doesn’t like how bright it is right now, but damn it, this girl is beautiful.

 

“Hi.”

 

“You should come up with a different greeting.” Lauren mumbles, eyes still closed. She’s too fond of mornings.

 

“I thought ‘hi’ was our thing.”

 

“Is it?”

 

“Can I make a new thing?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like this.” Lauren replies, opening her eyes finally to look at the pair of brown she’s come to really enjoy looking into in person. She hates the pixels skype provides and just wow---what was she doing again?

 

“Like what?”

 

_Right_ , she thinks to herself. She smiles before leaning in to kiss Camila, something she’s became really accustomed to, but no. She’s not at all accustomed to it, each kiss is different, one she’s sure she can try to map out, but she gets lost every time because she finds herself wandering and exploring and it’s easy to do that with Camila.

 

Camila can feel Lauren smile into the kiss, she can barely breathe through her nose because the blanket is stifling, but she swears the heat isn’t because of that, it’s because Lauren’s touch burns and she’s hyper aware of the fingers sneaking under her shirt and _fuck_. She pulls back for air and her breathing is heavy and Lauren’s breathe is still painting itself across her lips.

 

“Lack of oxygen.” Lauren says it in a matter-of-fact way and Camila could punch her in the stomach because of it, but instead she just leans forward with a _’i’ll make you do that’_ in her head.

 

It’s a bit rougher and she swears it----

 

“They’re making out under there---”

 

“Ahhhh!” Ally screams as she and Normani hop from the double bed they’re currently on to the other bed opposite of it. They land on two lumps of bodies and the immediate screams ensue.

 

\-----------------------

 

“Does this reinforce the fact that you need to apply to NYU?” Harry says to Normani. Normani laughs before saying that she already did and he keeps pushing it, but it’s sort of lovely that he cares so much.

 

“We should go ice skating!” Ally jumps in front of the group with Dinah in toe before jogging towards Rockefeller Plaza.

 

“Oh no.” Lauren mumbles, trying to hide her nervousness as the group trudges down the block and towards the plaza.

 

“WAIT!” Normani yells before halting the group and spinning on her black timberland covered heels, “LAUREN DOESN’T SKATE!”

 

“What?!” Camila says before turning her head, almost giving herself whiplash to ask the girl attached to her arm.

 

“I do!”

 

“You don’t!”

 

“I do too!”

 

“Did you miraculously get over that fear?”

 

“I am going to burn your Gucci when we get back home.” Lauren growls out, fiercely shaking her head.  

 

“Why can’t you skate?”

 

Lauren mumbles something under her breathe and Harry laughs at the red she’s turning that’s not from cold.

 

“What?”

 

“Not telling you again.”

 

“Pwease?” Camila pouts stucking her lower lip out.

 

“I skated when I was like five and I tripped over a bucket and broke my fractured a part of my arm.”

 

“Oh my god, babe.” Camila replies, laughing at the frown planted on Lauren’s face.

 

“That’s priceless.” Dinah says, dragging them all towards the rental booth.

 

“You guys suck.”

 

“No no, babe, I’ll hold you and we can do it.” Camila says excitedly, excited enough to wipe away Lauren’s nervousness with a smile.

 

“Promise?”

 

“Mhm!” Camila nods furiously.

 

They tie their boots on quickly enough and they’re getting onto the rink easily but Lauren struggles as she sees the ice. She notices that a lot of people are on and the nervousness overcomes her in a distinctively non-Lauren way.

 

“C’mon?” Lauren nods at the younger girl.

 

“Okay.”

 

It’s like bambi, Camila thinks. She resists the urge to laugh as Lauren places a death grip on the railing and Camila’s side.

 

“Just slide forward, babe.”

 

“Not easy.”

 

“I’m right here.”

 

It’s corny and this is total first date material, but Lauren wants to punch Ally in the face for coming up with this.

 

“Focus on me, okay?”

 

She does. She looks at the beautiful girl she’s come to really, dare she say it, love and adore. She’s sure she loves this girl, that that love grows in the same manner the love for Normani and other friends of hers have grown, but clearly at a faster and deeper rate.

 

“You’re doing it!”

 

“What?” Lauren looks down at her feet and---

 

“Ow.”

 

“Ouch.” Camila says, cringing as she leans down to help Lauren up.

 

“It’s like telling someone not to look down, they do it anyways. You tell me I’m doing well and I fall on my butt.”

 

“Where’s that scar on your arm?” Camila questions lightly.

 

“The one from when I fractured my arm?” Camila nods affirmatively.

 

“I don’t have one. It never broke skin.” Lauren replies. She furrows her eyebrows before asking, without really thinking, “Do you have any scars?”

 

Camila looks almost taken aback by the question, but the pure tone and innocence that Lauren holds is enough to tell her that she means no harm and it’s a sort of curiosity she welcomes.

 

“A few. Not many, but a few.” Lauren seems to let out a fresh breathe of air. She smiles softly and shuffles closer to Camila.

 

“Can I see?”

 

“Why?”

 

Lauren thinks for a second about why she wants to, maybe it’s curiosity. It’s not _just_  curiousity though. It really can’t be. It’s like everything Camila told her, “They’re part of you.”

 

Camila seems to widen her eyes in the least bit at that. She can only nod a little and think about the repercussions. This is not a private place, but it seems to be enough of a place for this to be right because, once again, Lauren is her castle.

 

She tugs up her sleeve a little bit, only one of the places she used to focus on and reveals a series of thin almost white slivers of skin and it’s not _ugly_  to Lauren. Not in any way shape or form. She’s never seen scars like these, so meticulously spaced and running in the same direction like they’re pressed across her skin and trying to break out but---

 

Slivers of white splayed there. They remind Lauren of the light she’s seen peeking into the room every morning since she’s arrived in New York. How they stretch through the curtains and intrude, softly, not violently, the quiet space.

 

It’s appropriate.

 

It’s appropriate for Camila.

 

She doesn’t know who Camila was before this or who she was during it, or even if it continues on on her darkest of days, but she knows that Camila’s stronger because of it, just like Demi said in her letter.

 

Those strengths find their way through Camila’s personality and into every piece of her. Her writing, but also the way she treats others. It’s like that light in the room, not overbearing, but a soft sort of welcome intrusion that told her a new day was there.

 

Camila’s scars are beautiful.

 

So she kisses them. She kisses them to portray that in a way her words can’t and it’s a soft touch of her lips evenly down a row of scars and Camila doesn’t know what to do with herself.

 

\--------------------------

 

_“She’s stronger than I could ever hope to be, but I’ll try because she’s set the right example for me.”_ **Posted at 02:24am by ssweet-dispositionn**

 

\--------------------------

 

**Tuesday, December 31st, 2013**

 

“We’ve only got a few minutes left.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Mhm, my clock says it’s eleven-fifty five.” Lauren mumbles.

 

"The bright lights are beautiful." They’re watching over the city and the people below from their balcony. Normani officially switched rooms with Camila the previous night because she didn’t want to intrude upon the ‘not yet but soon to be couples’ time. She didn’t hate it, she really wanted Lauren to be happy and Camila’s doing that.

 

"Nothing like at home." Camila whispers into Lauren’s neck.

 

"NYC has the brightest lights, love." The older girl contradicts, folding her arms tighter around her girlfriend’s resting in her torso.

 

"This isn’t like home."

 

"Tell me why?"

 

"Because at home they’re just—-" Camila furrows her eyebrows.

 

"They’re?" Lauren urges. She fidgets a bit and ends up intertwining her fingers with Camila’s and turning around.

 

"I can’t focus when you look at me."

 

"Then don’t focus, love." Lauren says, leaning forward in the slightest. The term of endearment is new, but she’s going to stick with it because she knows that Camila’s that for her.

 

She kisses the corner of Camila’s mouth, almost on demand it tilts upwards in the smallest smile. Lauren commands Camila’s body and Camila knows she can’t do anything about it.

 

"The lights back home, they tell you a different story."

 

"And these lights?"

 

"These lights tell you that there’s a different type of beauty." Camila replies, still looking above their heads and she refuses to look back into Lauren’s green eyes because those lights are a story she has yet to figure out, but feels like home, like that castle. She doesn’t tell Lauren that home isn’t just NYC, home is the green eyes that turn grey sometimes and how they glow at night and shimmer in the morning, especially these past few mornings.

 

"Look at me?" Lauren urges and Camila hates her for it, but only in the sense that says she hates the way her head tilts down on command once again.

 

"I love you."

 

"Yeah?" Camila replies. Lauren nods only slightly, minutely, really. But it’s the next moment that conquers her attention and her senses.

**Monday, January 1st, 2014**

 

There are resounding ‘Happy New Years!’ coming from the streets below and everywhere around them, but Lauren doesn’t give a single care.

 

Lauren’s kissing her, and Camila attempts to memorize the kiss under these bright lights. Lauren’s lips. Just her lips. She focuses on how the plump lips press tightly against hers and how when she tilts her head and opens her mouth in the slightest Lauren takes that as an invitation to cup her own lips around Camila’s lower lip. She sucks and _loves_  the lip and Camila knows this is why it’s anyways different. Because last time she tried to memorize the kiss and she did that Lauren slipped her tongue into her own mouth. And this kiss is sensual and indescribable. It’s something she’s been trying to figure out, but _can't_.

 

She thinks there’s a word for that somewhere. A word that describes a feeling where it always feels like the first time.

 

“Be mine?” It slips out between her lips and into Camila’s own and she doesn’t _hear_ or _see_  it. She just _knows_  it’s there in the kiss because those lips are planted firmly against hers and the kiss changes from what it was before, that indescribable type of kiss to one she’s sure tastes like ‘yes.’

 

\-------------------------

 

 

_“I figured out what that word was. After researching all night and morning I realized it was Jamais Vu. French word. ‘Often described as the opposite of déjà vu, jamais vu involves a sense of eeriness and the observer's impression of seeing the situation for the first time, despite rationally knowing that he or she has been in the situation before.’ It’s sort of like that. Each kiss is new, is different. She’s mine now. I hope that keeps going._

 

_That kiss...the one after I asked her. It was the sort of kiss that meant yes. I hope I get that sort of kiss again. Maybe I shouldn’t think about that, but maybe it’ll be the kiss after we say our vows._

 

_That was really straightforward. Exhaustion is kicking in. I said I love her. She said it back in a way and wow. I love New Years.”_ **Posted at 04:12am by ssweet-dispositionn**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go read the new collab I'm writing with Val (one of the authors of habit) it's called 'My Perception of Her' and I really am really happy with it.
> 
> Did you like this chapter? I hope you did. Much needed fluff and whatnot!
> 
> Nouf is still amazing and Marina is working on more smut and romance yay!
> 
> I get to see my girlfriend in nineteen days!!!!!!!!! in nyc!!!!!!!! it's our first night together!!!!!!
> 
> i'm not lea michelle1!!!!!!!


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